I Melted

I had a meltdown at work just now, fresh, like 20 mins ago.

One of my work requires me to do a health check, audit sort of thing, and one item is check per month. We are supposed to gather a group of people, look at the questionnaire and answer it to ensure that the system that we claimed is working, actually really works. If at all any loopholes found, we will take it as an action item and work on it. Some of the items that was checked requires participation of various field (department) . A whole year long schedule was developed and all the supervisors of these department was informed. We (my team and I) had the engagement sessions to explain what this activity was all about since early of the year. So the supervisor will nominate their subordinate, who will be prompt to take part in this monthly activity.

Normally I sent the invite to this target group of multidisciplinary people 3 days before the actual health check supposed to take place, together with the questionnaires on what are the items to be looked for. It actually serve some sort of internal audit, but then again, what kind of audit gave out the questions upfront? A not so strict audit, because we are not in the business of finding fault, we intend to look for room for improvement in our current system, thats it.

So what happened today is that, I have already sent out the materials upfront, I went to control room and met with the person that is supposed to take part, A

Me: So macam mane? Ok tak hari ni kita nak buat PSFO (that is the program's name) hari ni?
A : Buat ape?
Me: Interview la, kan dah bagitau...
A :Its not fair you come 5-6 person want to interview me, trying to audit me, I am not ready.
Me: Ha? not ready, takpelah, saya reschedule,bile ye?
A : I don't know.
Me: Well then, I'll speak to B (the supervisor)

I gather my stuffs and started to walk away, while I heard A is talking very loudly to the rest of the people in the room (some 8-10 of them)
A : Diorang ingat senang je nak datang sini audit aku, tak boleh, I'm not ready
(not his exact words, but something like that...he kinda membebel panjang jugakla while I walk away to B's room)

At that point I just wanted to ends it there, and reschedule some other time, when he is 'ready' --> whatever that means...Its not like I am testing him and giving him fail or pass anyway..dduhh...

So I ask B for another window to reschedule, B was suprised why his men is not ready as he know that I notified much earlier. B tried to reason with A on what was the issue. I stayed quite far knowing that B is also a loud person (but for good reason) . My supervisor walks in, he is part of the team as well. I went near while they are still reasoning with A.

C, A's counterpart also shared his 'feelings', dissatisfaction when we did the session last month and he was involved. He was not satisfied that the MD is part of the team, and felt as if he was put on the spot during the whole session. Of course, we, the rest of the team, didn't feel that way. In fact all the findings that day was not his action item, no consequences to him, and in the end of the process we did not blame anybody for any flaw in the system.

So I guess that is why A and C and maybe some other guys were feeling as if they were being put on the spot.

During the first round that he was raising his voice in front some other 8-10 guys, I already felt the heat, but I still managed to calm myself. He was being very defensive, and offensive (keep attacking me) at that time, that is why I walk away, consult B.

When I walked back there the second time around, I thought things would have calmed down, but no..he keep on raising his voice (more like shouting) and at that point I could not look at anybody's face anymore. At that time, I just could not contained myself, I know I was about to burst into tears anytime. I walk away, and my tears were falling down, banyak pulak tu...

I don't know where to go to calm myself, so I walked into a meeting room, another 2 managers had their room adjacent to the meeting room, so it was pretty quiet. I calmed down but my tears were still there. Suddenly B came in, trying to sort things out with me, at that time I was still feeling upset (emotional pun ade,) and once I started crying, I could not stop. B did not coax me, but rather trying to find the solution. Suddenly, my other supervisor walk in (yes, I report to 2 different people). At that point he noticed I was crying and sobbing and trying to explain things to B. The other 2 managers suddenly realised that there is commotion in the meeting room. They came out. I was sobbing and probably out of words, and B explains to them. After discussing about 10 minutes, we agreed that we should postpone today's session and I will look at other system for the internal audit.

It was very embarassing, I was sobbing in front of 4 guys, last time I sob like that was during watching My Sisters Keeper. I guess the reason why I felt really upset and emotional was because of the way A has treated me in the first place, with no respect at all. He even raised his voice, to make sure that the rest of his colleague heard what he said. He humiliate me in front of other people. The rest of the guys probably loose their respect to me already. This is compounded by my own timing. I have been busy , particularly this week, as I am in the middle of this workshop. I drop the rest on my plate, be in the workshop, causing many other people to chase me for many other my suspended work. I drop those things and cycle in to the plant to do the PSFO, and only reached there to be shouted at. Sakit hati OK....

My biggest pet peeves is someone humiliating me in front of public, face to face in front of other people.

I know that there will be no respect for this person anymore. Fine, if you do not want to cooperate with me, I'll find somebody else who will.
I can also go through the questionnaire on my own, check your system, and highlight the flaws without involving you in the first place, would you want me to do that? I am being nice enough to pass you the questionaire upfront. So you prefer to do other way? Fine with me.

Tarik nafas......hembus....tarik nafas....hembus...still feeling a bit upset, but much better...