Friday, November 11, 2016

How is my heart today?

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh..

Read this article today.

Its a beautiful piece of writing, and it surprises me to know that the writer is a 'he'. Rarely do I get touched by a man's writing. There are certain nuance that I always associated with male writers, people like Khaled Hosseini wrote beautiful and touching pieces but not quite like this. Maybe because what was written is personal to the writer, it has a little bit more soul into it. Ok, enough about the writer, back to the question.

How is my heart today?

Better. At least better than the last few days. It was pretty emotional throughout the week. Hormones raging if you knew what I mean. I still feel anxious. Ayah is not well and has been in hospital for at least 2 weeks. He's getting better but with his condition there is no way he can fully recover. At one point it was almost a life and death situation. While I rushed back in Sept because of this, my sisters asked me to stay put for now. Not to rush into things but I'm ready to go home anytime.

I'm not sad because ayah fell sick, we've seen it coming, and if its his time to go, we are all ready for it. Maybe its for the better. But I don't quite understand why I am feeling more melancholic these few days.

I'm due to set for another adventure on 23rd, of to the Nordic region, and followed by a short trip back home for Shaz wedding. With whats happening back home, I've started to second guess my plan. If I go and 'enjoy' my trip, what if something happen back home? But I've made all the arrangements, paid what needs to be paid, I'm all set. Its not so much about the money, but more of the opportunity to go and see things.

Voiced out my dilemma to KBB, the feedback that I get comes in a form of questions, what if ayah's condition continues for months and months to come? Would I stop doing things that I want to do just because I am so called on standby? Basically do I want to put my life on hold? Its a heavy question. But it did crossed my mind even before I was asked. Life has to go on. My life has to go on.

For now, I have to play by ear. We'll see what will happen. Ayah's condition can go from OK to worse overnight. Anywhere I will be, it will be equally challenging to organize a trip back home, that was KBB's argument. And I have to admit, that is the case.

So we'll see. Till next time.
Beds of roses outside NASA Centre in Houston. January 2016.