Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Talkative Tuesday : 30 and solo ;)

Its been a while, and I have yet to finish on my Middle Earth trip. Thanks for all the prayers for my friend, she has been officially transferred to normal ward, despite being in the ICU for ~3 weeks ++. She has a long road to recovery though, but nonetheless, we are grateful, alhamdulillah.

Off late, this topic has been revolving around me. I attended a course over last weeked, A-Z of Love & Mercy. It talks abouth Fiqh of Nikah and Divorce, and before you get too excited, no, I am no position of tying the knot soon :P Like any Al-Kauthar courses, it was just hard to miss. We always know that nikah is not wajib, rather it is recommended, if you already have the various means to shoulder the responsibility. The common feedback or statement made by those 'aunties' or whoever that has everything to say in my life pertaining my condition of being single at this age is, 'Kalau tak kahwin Nabi tak mengaku umat tau...'

I agree that we have to try our best to live up the the sunnah, but looks who's talking, if they really stick to the sunnah, they will not be making the statement in the first place. There are various reasons as why people my age remain single, you can only guess. I won't dwell into details on the rulings of marriage, as to when it is wajib, recommended, makhruh and haram, and I won't put myself in any position, except that I am not in the wajib category yet, insyaAllah. Honestly, I don't think I fall into that category, I am not about to commit zina just because I am not married yet, and I also in no mood to steal anybody's husband just to get married. Plus, I will not just take on any Ahmad, Sulaiman or Iqbal (muslim's version of Tom, Dick and Harry :P) so just that I can silenced the question of marriage. People say beggars can't be choosers, but I am not a beggar. I have qualities, (questionable and debatable, but I still do) and I was hoping to find someone that at least of the same level to spend the rest of my life with, (the higher, the better). But even then, if the guy is no more educated than I am, what matters most is his deen. If that is not right in the first place, than as the Sheikh said, assalamualaikum warahmatullahiwabarakatuh... (with hands waving off...)

Its not like I have never tried to find, I did, but nothing positive turns out yet. Last Twins of Faith conference, they had this Marriage Facilitation session. They took the speed dating concept and tried to matchmake any interested brothers and sisters in a halal environment. I signed up, not knowing what to expect. The initial response shows that the split was around 20 : 80 (brothers : sisters). Okaaayyyy.....that is so appropriate :P The organizers tried their very best to bring in more brothers, but how can they? the conference participants are made of at least 70% women. The remaining male are either married or small kids.

Anyhoo...they managed to close the gap by getting the volunteers to participate as well. When we finally had the session, these are my observations:
1. Almost 70% of the sisters are from the age 27-35, working professionals ranging from Master student, high school teachers, doctors, curators and engineers (yours truly)
2. Almost 50-60% of the brothers are foreign students (age 22 and below)

Now, tell me, how do you match make these majority group? Which leads me to few more questions.
1. Where are all the 27-35 years old man? They are either married or they have made their choice. Those that is still single and in 30's don't go around attending Islamic conference, else we would have them in the session.
2. Where are all the sisters below 25? They are either in college, busy studying or just started of their career.

*I wouldnt want to pick a brother that is 22 years old, no doubt he has good intention of staying away from the haram by getting married early, and the fact that he joins the conference tells me that he got his priorities right, but, I need somebody that is ready financially, (or the very least emotionally). I need him to be my rock, I wouldn't want to take on the burden of playing big sis in a marriage.

So session no. 1 was not a success to me definitely. Without losing hope, the following week, they have another Al-Kauthar course, Home Sweet Home, and they had another session of marriage facilitation. Same thing happened. Majority of the brothers still belongs to the same age range. Again, no success there. Sheikh keeps on emphasizing that if we are looking for a mango, go to a mango market, you will not find it in the lemon market. The session is claimed to have the mango that we are looking for, but for me, all the mango are way too young, the ripe mango are off the market :P

I saw first hand how the market in Malaysia looks like, maybe I have not been to enough Islamic event to see the actual number of good practising Muslim male out there, but from my limited observation, we seriously in deficit for good quality Muslim men. It turns out that this is actually a global issue. The number of unmarried Muslim female all around the world is increasing. This sister in the US was looking for solution, but turns out she is being mocked by some of the 'highly educated' readers. What I experienced in the conference has been shared by another sister in UK. So tell me now, don't we have a greater ummah issue here? Latest poll in Malaysia still show that higher number of unmarried male than female, but do we go into details to see how many of these men are good practising Muslim men?

A phone call from an old friend yesterday almost break my heart, but not quite. She was saying that there is talk among them to match make me to a certain somebody, but they were quite certain I will reject the person because to them I have 'high taste'. How can I not? At work, I've met many good Muslim men, more than I have ever met anywhere else in my life. Seeing that these species existed, wouldn't I set a high standard as well? Before you get any ideas, they are all married :) What I'm saying is this, I am not looking for just man (any Malay man for that matter), he has to make the first cut, a good Muslim, and it breaks my heart that some of my friends could not see that.

From last week's course, the Sheikh keeps on mentioning few scholars that remains single throughout their entire life, namely Imam An-Nawawi, Ibn Taymiyah and Imam al-Tabari. Are these scholars not a good Muslim? Then why do they remain single until end of life? People can argue maybe they have female slaves, but they off all people knew the greatness of marriage, how it double-triple your rewards for any good deeds, then why are they not following sunnah? The answer is simple. They may have their own reasons for being single, but look at what they have left for the ummah, their studies has helped many people living by the right way of Islam. Their publications has reached generations and generations of muslim, and nobody can deny that insyaAllah, Rasulullah SAW is proud to have them in his ummah.

This morning, I was approached by Dr K. He's the lead for all the da'wah work in the office. They started this young parent club and they had their first meeting, I was invited but could not joined then. The objective of this group is just to socialize and share as much wrt Islamic way of life and one of the major focus is parenting. Dr K actually asked me to organize one of the event. My first reaction to him "I am not a young parent." He was caught off guard, maybe he never thought that I would counter with that statement. No offence, I was just joking and alhamdulillah he got it. Anyhow, like it or not, I am in the club, kids or no kid, spouse or no spouse :P

So for now, I will continue what I am doing, I am working to become a better Muslim. I pray to Allah that I get a mate that is better than I am, the one that can guide me to Jannah. If so Allah send him anytime soon, and I am destined to get married, alhamdulillah. If Allah choose to delay granting my prayers, even better, because I have the full confidence Allah will keep His promise somehow, and the best is to be given in Jannah. So what I do now, is work towards Jannah, and the rest will fall into places, insyaAllah. I am happy with my condition now. I enjoy my freedom, and as long as I am not doing anything that can invite fitna, or against the shariah, I will let Allah be my sole judge. The remaining mortal jury can say all they want, but I know Allah is always with me ;)

*and I don't need lecture on accepting polygamy, that may just invite another post :P 
From here


  1. *jaw-dropping* Good argument sis!! :D

  2. I have not been here for a long time. How are you?
    This is a good post.
    That statement above from said 'aunties' is the first of its kind for me and i think it's quite harsh, don't you think?

    Rezeki, jodoh dan ajal ditentukan oleh Allah sejak awal2 lagi.

    I just want to say that people always say that one must put effort to find 'jodoh' eventhough we already know that jodoh has been determined by Allah SWT even before we were born into this world. But when we talk about Hidayah, most people opt to wait for Allah SWT to 'give' us Hidayah, although we know Hidayah is the one we should put effort to find and get from Him.

    Just keep on doing what you love.

  3. assalam Jeet
    Come July baru you turn 30 kan?

    My children used to ask me, camana I boleh berkenan nak kawin dgn abah diorang. Soklan cepumas kekdahnya nih namun I tak pause beri jawapan 'sebab abah sembahyang'. Tidaklah I nak kata my hubby tu pious cam nak rak tapi selagi solat dikerjakan, insyaallah kita tak jauh dariNya.

    I have unmarried nephew n niece aged 41 n 36 resp. The niece is doing her Phd. Jodoh, rezeki dan mati, Dia yg menentukan. Wassalam.

  4. tak terkata2 membaca entry ini. mampu angguk2 saja. hehehe.

    anyhow, like dyanna said, the aunties punya statement is a bit too much. but don't be bothered with it. nobody knows whether Allah going to send you to heaven or hell.. whether Rasulullah gonna mengaku u ummah or not.. NOBODY knows.. yet i truly believe that Rasulullah isn't cruel to delist someone from his ummah list just because the person in unmarried.

    soal jodoh ni mmg susah nak kata. it's like singing the same song over and over. penat kan. all i can say is don't give up. and i'm reminding myself as well. kadang2 mmg sedih when i see friends already having 2 or 3 or 4 kids by now. but i kept telling myself, don't give up, the time will come, just be prepared. i know it's hard to believe in something that's not there, just repeat it across your mind again and again. inshaAllah your wish will come true and mine too :-)

  5. Jeet, senang datang pondok saya. I have something for you.

  6. owhhhh 30 is still young what...you go explore anything interests you, live life to the fullest, enjoy it while you still can...jodoh kita dah ditentukan di Luth Mahfuz, so no worry, no hurry, perempuan baik untuk lelaki baik and vice versa, so just enjoy it beautiful adikku Jeet! There's one fine man sipping a coffee somewhere right now and he is destined to be yours! *wink*

  7. faiz, xkan sampai gitu? ;p this is my side of the coin, am sure the rest have theirs too!!

    dyanna, serious, when i heard the statement, jadi speechless, memang tak terfikir nak jawab apa, i just let it slide. yup, agreed with you on the hidayah part, ramai yang overlook on that part, reminder for me too ;) thanks!!

    salam CS,july i'll be 31, but as long as dah masuk 3 series, doesn't matter kan ;) that is what i keep saying to my single friends, rezeki masing2..sama jugak dgn yg dah kahwin bertahun2 tapi x dpt zuriat lagi, kan ke rezeki di tgn Allah, kita memang xtau rahsiaNya...

  8. dieya, the feeling is mutual, but what can we do? we make the best of what we already have, bersyukur that Allah gave us his blessing though not entirely in the form that we hoped for. yup, don't give up and believing in the things that we cannot see is called faith, caiyok!! :)

    uncle, saw it already, am flattered to have seen the gift, nice color by the way, thanks, and I will have to brush up my spanish so that i can have a decent conversation with antonio...hehehe..

    kak yong, thanks a lot :) saya percaya itu juga.. so for now, kita enjoooyyy....!!!


“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you." ~ William Arthur Ward...

So what say you? ;)