Drifted~

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t...

Bagi salam dekat sapa tak tau..It's not like anybody is reading this.. :P

Ok..hari ni nak curhat sikit. Lama kot tak mengadu-domba online..haha. Offline ada la few minutes of air time bila jumpa geng-geng cik kiah, but other than that, I don't think I ever did that with anybody else these days. Ngan geng cik kiah pun filter gak benda yang nak share. 

Ok here goes.. I've been feeling this for quite a bit, but late last year I finally knew my place. I have a close friend, S, since sekolah menengah and this friend has loaaaddddssss of other close friends as well. Time passes by and we maintain contact, meet up etc until today. But I know for sure that I don't have the same connection with her anymore. 

Being the one who always live far away, 80% of the time I will initiate meet up, get people's time etc. Within our group of friends, she will be the one arranging many things and I will almost always be there to support. Over time the group dwindled down and even those that work nearby rarely meet up and S got fed up, therefore she stopped making any initiative. I, on the other hand, still initiate meet up with her despite whatever the group dynamic is. At least I thought it was still worth it since we've been friends for more than half of our lifetime. 

S is very generous to people around her, and she shares her generosity online - hence people like me who lives thousand miles away also knows about this. I was among those that received generous gift before, just by being friends. For the last few years, I was out of the list, which I think I don't mind, as I am trying to avoid collecting stuffs but when she gifted things to me, I can tell it was thoughtless. For the many years we've been friends, we've had a handful trip together, local and overseas, and not even once I used perfume, and I think if my friends are attentive enough, they would have noticed. And sad to say S didn't. She gave me perfume from middle east, which I know she's not been there recently. It must have been in her stocks and its just convenience to just give it to me. 

Okay, that is one. Another one, late last year I had training in KL and I asked for lunch date with sekolah menengah group, and of course last minute ramai tak boleh, so its just me and S. Which was fine for me. At the very last minute, S texted saying her sister and their family friend joining us. I didn't think much of it, so I agreed, and its not like she was asking permission, she was telling me the last minute arrangement. 

During lunch, 3 of them were talking about their day to day stuffs and gossip, and I was the 4th wheel. Occasionally her sister asked about my updates, but then its back to their own catch up. Mind you they meet almost every other weeks. 

I left the lunch feeling very uneasy...so this is what it feels when you are no longer exclusive with the person. It just doesnt feel good, to the point that I don't want to initiate anything else with S. This happen last year, and I still feels like this today. We have drifted so far that I can't connect with her anymore. 

I don't intend to confront S about this. She would probably say, if I don't like how things went, why didn't I say so? and in her defense, she would probably said that I knew the sister, so whats the problem? 

When I looked back, this is not the first time she did this to me. There was one time, we promised to meet and then suddenly her cousins wanted to have a picnic at the same time, so she asked me to join the family. I'm ok if its raya or some other parties, I have other friends to keep me company, but I definitely don't want to gate crash some family event. That's not how I roll.

Okla.. panjang dah bebel ni. Dosa kering bulan posa..haha

But yeah.. it is what it is.. we've drifted so much that I can no longer met her halfway. We don't connect on personal level anymore. Few years will fly by and she will be just an acquaintance. 

We've drifted so far, that among the so called 'close friend' that I have, we've never talked about retirement yet. Like serious, deep discussion with future plan etc. That shows how far apart we are now. 

Or maybe throughout these years, I was the delusional one thinking that we are close, whereas in fact I am just one of her acquaintances only. Maybe. 

Okla..sampai sini ja curhat. 안녕!

If You Don't Mind Me Asking....

Assalamualaikum w.b.t....

I thought I am the reserved 'I' type. It turns out, that is not always the case. I appreciate long talks and I am quite good in asking question, listening and following up with more questions and in the end the other party will have at least 70-80% of air time, while I gives away almost nothing about myself. 

But this week, I realized something. If asked, I will tell, and if the condition is good, I can match the other person's energy. One engineer that I have been working with for the past few years for example, we never really got to talk, and this week we were in the same workshop. Over lunch we managed to chat, and she is one cheery person, and she asked questions point blank with the intent to know, and my conversation with her, despite being short was like a rapid fire session. She asked, I answered, and I asked in return, she answered. That back and forth feels ok, meaning I was not trying to get away like I mostly did..hahaha..

Another one person was the workshop facilitator. This was my 3rd time meeting him. We hit it off when we first met. Reason being we knew each other by reputation long before we had formal connection and we have a lot of mutual acquaintances. More importantly, we were on the same wavelength most of the time. It was refreshing. I feel like if I have a partner, I would be able to talk trash about my partner with him..hahaha.. Nasib baik tak ada, buat dosa kering ja. 

My uni roommate used to say, I made good friends with guys. Indeed. I might not have close guy friends, but when I hit it off with any guy, I can even go on trips, have meals, watch movies without any strings attached. I treat them like any of my girl friends and I tend to be able not to get my feelings swayed, having second thoughts why were they being like that to me etc.

My only movie buddy moved back to semenanjung and abandoned me.. so it has been a while since I was able to talk and laugh like that. But hold on.. my cubicle mate, I can talk to him for hours too. We hit it off just fine..haha.. another example of what a good friend to a guy I can be..hahaha..

Ok, itu sajalah kali ini, from an introvert that sometime does get out of her shell and say her piece when asked... "If you don't mind me asking...".... :)

Till next time. Wassalam. 

2024... Fuh!

 Assalamualaikum... 

Hi self, 안녕! 잘 지내지? 10 days into the year, back to work almost full swing..almost but my body is still on weekend clock and this week I am attending workshop which starts at 9AM (which means I have to be at work 8AM) and be awake for the whole day, and must be able to focus. 

3rd day of workshop, I still struggle to keep myself awake, what more to focus and contribute to the workshop..

Yesterday I messaged most of my remaining friends that I can find within the company chat app, saying I need the distraction to stay awake. Teruk betui...hahaha..

So.. how have I been? Covid flew by and within the pandemic period I managed to steer clear...but end of last year sees spike in infection here in Malaysia.. and I was part of the statistic as well. Survived the pandemic tapi kecundang jugak time endemic ni...hahaha.. before Xmas I got infected, during Xmas my SV kena, and right into the new year another colleague got hit with Covid...hahaha.. Ok back to me. 

I am still in Miri, doing the same job, but living in different house now. Apart from that life has been pretty much the same.. I should have updated more. I wanted to but I was too lazy..haha..

Ok, some notable things that I can be proud off, I have improved a lot in 한국어.. Started in 2021 and I am at intermediate level now. I can read albeit very slow, understand simple dialogue, and if I were to leave a rom-com drama running in the background, I can understand the conversation, if not the context of the scene. The only thing that I have not improved as much as I hoped is the conversation part. 너무 어려워요.... and noticed that I switched typing more easily these days. I have my laptop and phone configured with 한글 keyboard. 

And like many of the previous new years.... the resolution to loose weight is by default ignited. We'll see how far we get this year, and with few holidays planned, I am prepared to be on yo-yo journey again, but hopefully not so much, and by end of this year, hoping to see the deficit. 

할 수 있어! 그럼 올해 더 열심히 하겠습니다!

Shell

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.... 

Whoever it is that happens to read this. I don't think anybody will read this, but it's ok 😊. This is for me. 내 생각 에 요. 

I've been drawing myself into my own shell more and more these days. I had this first written on 2nd Nov, and today 29th Nov, I still feels the same, maybe a bit more. 

I found myself hating the sound of message coming in notification, seriously annoyed. Its not that I don't welcome message coming in, but I just hate the noise, especially if its a repeated sound at the same time - indicating the sender sending many messages.

I still look forward to meeting people, I still made plans to see friend, but that's it. I have no other interest apart from watching drama, try to loose weight, try new bread recipe (which counter my try to loose weight priority). I no longer interested in the bigger picture, no longer try to right what was wrong, no longer wanting to voice my opinions, I basically stop caring for the bigger world. I think that statement in itself is an alarm to my inner well being. 

Ohh.. this is so negative and I don't see a point of talking about this to anybody. So this is it. 

Till next time. 

Wassalam. 

Deactivated

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t, 

Weeks has passed, and I didn't get to have my birthday meal as planned, managed to make bagels (8pcs) and I still have one bagel in the fridge. Made pulao and chicken tikka masala few days later, it was ok, but I think the chicken dish was a flop, taste wise its ok, but nowhere close to the standard of tikka masala. 😛.

I did bought the whole BR ice cream cake, but only managed to eat it 2 weeks later, because I've been swamped with desserts from friends and barely managed to finish anything on my own. It was distributed to neighbours and the kids as well. 

That's that for birthday. What happened since then? Covid situation actually gotten worse in Kedah. Malaysia received 14 million doses of vaccine in July but somehow I don't see significant progress in the vaccination program in this state. I see friends posting up vaccination pictures and good for them. Major effort in KL and Selangor to ramp up the vaccination rate, while few states like Kedah are left in limbo. I've yet to get my 1st dose appointment here, and that has caused me to be a very negative and a very bitter person. VERY. I've not felt this prolong negative feeling ever. On the day of Arafah, when people are sharing all kinds of prayer, I found myself crafting hate message to post in my IG story about these whole vaccination thing. 

My doa on that day was for Allah to take away all these hate and resentment that I feel. Logically I can accept how things are, the prioritization over other states, the slow progress etc. From a sane mind, I accepted all that, but deep down inside I feel so hurt, sakit hati to the point I can't understand it. 

And I realized that once you think you are in bad position, don't look at the people that is doing better than you, look to those that is having it worse, as you could also be in that position. In another word, appreciate what you have right now, its a blessing in its own way. It could've been worse. 

So in order to stop myself from looking at the people who has it better, I decided to deactivate my IG. Tak payah tengok. Habih cerita.  So its only been a few days, and I can't say that it has helped me tremendously, but I guess it helps a little bit. While the whole vaccination progress is totally out of my hands, I can still choose to pick what I see and what stays on my mind. 

I even thought of deactivating my FB, and would have done it already had it not been for the 3 groups that I am currently following. Haish....

As days goes by, I am thinking of deleting my current IG account altogether. Maybe I log in one last time to copy all the saved recipe and then be done with it. 

I may create a new IG and only follow really important people sahaja. We'll see. I may change my entire plan altogether. Entahlah. 

For now, I am not in a good place. This hate and resentment is still piling up and I am having a hard to time to let it go.

I hope it will subside soon. I really do.

Till next time. Wassalam.      

Woowww.. 4 months!

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t..

My last entry was in Feb-2021, and 4 months later only I feel the need to pen down something here again..haha. Lama jugak tu tak komplen-mengomplen ni..

Nothing much actually, I'm still in SP. Friday has always been slow..and its raining here in SP, so memang la lemau sangat. Last year I was back here in June as well, we managed to have a combined birthday celebration, but not this year. Things has gotten from bad to worse, and we can't even cross state since Jan 2021. And since June is pack load with birthday, I can't help but to go on planning mode. 

Since we can't see each other, I've been sending treats to friend who celebrated birthday this whole month long. Last week was my nephew's birthday, sent some lasagna, tomorrow is Kak's birthday, will be making something for her as well. Am still considering whether or not to buy a cake on top of it. We'll see. 

For my birthday next week, these are my planned menu: 

Breakfast like a king with homemade bagels topped with smoked salmon and cream cheese.

Lunch with Indian cuisine, vegetable pulao, chicken tikka masala, and some raita. 

Dinner like a pauper, milo secawan dengan biskut kering, takpun murukku..hahahaha.. cukup la kot 2 big meals. 

I am thinking of getting myself the ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. Masa kat Miri complain kemain sana takda BR, balik sini, sekali pun tak jejak BR tu. Dasar munafik..hehe. 

With all these planning, I came to a realization.

In the end, only you will be there for you and you alone, all along. Period. 

I guess thats what gave me courage to travel solo back when I was clueless about travelling. I know somehow, someway I will only have me to depend on, to cheer me on, to have any hope on anything else. There will be no one else, my 20s me had a certain hope before, my 30s me somehow realize that its not gonna happen, and my soon to be 40 me know without a doubt, full conviction, that's it will only be just me. 

Friends and family will be there, but I will be in their agenda when needed. At the point I serve no purpose, I'll be on my own, I am on my own. Fact.

That's all for now. Very much looking forward to my birthday menu. Till next time. Wassalam. 

Sakit Gigi

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

I had a bad dental hygiene habit. I don't go for the bi-annual check up. I think partly because  I was traumatised since young. Yeah.. blame it to the world..haha. So yeah, I've only been to dentist when something goes wrong. 

Last week one, ada sebatang gigi geraham ni dah lama berlubang, so I avoided chewing on my left side for quite a while (years..hahaha..). Punya la tak mau p dentist..perangai..hmmm..So last week somehow it hurts, a lot, and I know that it needs to be extracted out. On Saturday of to dentist I went and the Dr did injected local anesthetic, I think 2 doses, but the pain was unbearable, I asked for more, maybe 2 more. You see, I'm a chicken when it comes to sakit gigi. Serius tak tahan weh.. Period pain if I know I have nothing to do, then I'll do my best to endure. Sakit gigi I gave up almost immediately, takda nak lawan2 sakit pretending to be strong or what. No way Jose. 

So the extraction went well, but of course after the anesthesia wears off, Allahuakbar, sakit weh. The clinic did gave some pain killer, so I was like counting the hours to the next dosage, teruk betui. Its a normal paracetamol 500gm, 2 bijik sekali ambik. It was working, but I figured taking 1000mg of paracetamol each 8 hours must have some kinda effect right? And looking at the pain, it doesn't look like it gets better within a day. So I went to get another type of pain killer from the local pharmacy, the girl suggested Safrosyn (Naproxen Sodium 275mg) and only one tablet every 8 hrs.

Boy was I glad to try that new pain killer, the small tablet lasted me slightly more than 8 hours, so I've been dragging the next dosage, consuming only when I think I cannot bear the pain. Last night I was contemplating to go to bed without one. Alhamdulillah I managed to get some sleep. Today I've not been consuming any, just a little bit discomfort to the gum, not much pain anymore, so I think I can stop the pain meds. 

I was thinking the residue pain or discomfort on the gum maybe a side effect of too much anesthetic? Macam people that uses epidural during labour will have tougher time during recuperation, betui ka concept tu? haha..suka hati buat teori sendiri. 

Okla, tu ja nak update, nak cerita ngan orang malaih, so cerita kat sini ja, sambil dengaq lagu k-pop..hahaha.. Till next time. 

Wassalam.