Drifted~

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t...

Bagi salam dekat sapa tak tau..It's not like anybody is reading this.. :P

Ok..hari ni nak curhat sikit. Lama kot tak mengadu-domba online..haha. Offline ada la few minutes of air time bila jumpa geng-geng cik kiah, but other than that, I don't think I ever did that with anybody else these days. Ngan geng cik kiah pun filter gak benda yang nak share. 

Ok here goes.. I've been feeling this for quite a bit, but late last year I finally knew my place. I have a close friend, S, since sekolah menengah and this friend has loaaaddddssss of other close friends as well. Time passes by and we maintain contact, meet up etc until today. But I know for sure that I don't have the same connection with her anymore. 

Being the one who always live far away, 80% of the time I will initiate meet up, get people's time etc. Within our group of friends, she will be the one arranging many things and I will almost always be there to support. Over time the group dwindled down and even those that work nearby rarely meet up and S got fed up, therefore she stopped making any initiative. I, on the other hand, still initiate meet up with her despite whatever the group dynamic is. At least I thought it was still worth it since we've been friends for more than half of our lifetime. 

S is very generous to people around her, and she shares her generosity online - hence people like me who lives thousand miles away also knows about this. I was among those that received generous gift before, just by being friends. For the last few years, I was out of the list, which I think I don't mind, as I am trying to avoid collecting stuffs but when she gifted things to me, I can tell it was thoughtless. For the many years we've been friends, we've had a handful trip together, local and overseas, and not even once I used perfume, and I think if my friends are attentive enough, they would have noticed. And sad to say S didn't. She gave me perfume from middle east, which I know she's not been there recently. It must have been in her stocks and its just convenience to just give it to me. 

Okay, that is one. Another one, late last year I had training in KL and I asked for lunch date with sekolah menengah group, and of course last minute ramai tak boleh, so its just me and S. Which was fine for me. At the very last minute, S texted saying her sister and their family friend joining us. I didn't think much of it, so I agreed, and its not like she was asking permission, she was telling me the last minute arrangement. 

During lunch, 3 of them were talking about their day to day stuffs and gossip, and I was the 4th wheel. Occasionally her sister asked about my updates, but then its back to their own catch up. Mind you they meet almost every other weeks. 

I left the lunch feeling very uneasy...so this is what it feels when you are no longer exclusive with the person. It just doesnt feel good, to the point that I don't want to initiate anything else with S. This happen last year, and I still feels like this today. We have drifted so far that I can't connect with her anymore. 

I don't intend to confront S about this. She would probably say, if I don't like how things went, why didn't I say so? and in her defense, she would probably said that I knew the sister, so whats the problem? 

When I looked back, this is not the first time she did this to me. There was one time, we promised to meet and then suddenly her cousins wanted to have a picnic at the same time, so she asked me to join the family. I'm ok if its raya or some other parties, I have other friends to keep me company, but I definitely don't want to gate crash some family event. That's not how I roll.

Okla.. panjang dah bebel ni. Dosa kering bulan posa..haha

But yeah.. it is what it is.. we've drifted so much that I can no longer met her halfway. We don't connect on personal level anymore. Few years will fly by and she will be just an acquaintance. 

We've drifted so far, that among the so called 'close friend' that I have, we've never talked about retirement yet. Like serious, deep discussion with future plan etc. That shows how far apart we are now. 

Or maybe throughout these years, I was the delusional one thinking that we are close, whereas in fact I am just one of her acquaintances only. Maybe. 

Okla..sampai sini ja curhat. 안녕!