Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Midlife Crisis

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh...

What is midlife? When is midlife? I guess it depends on the life expectancy. I never really gave much thought of this....Until yesterday.

I was in this meeting, scheduled for a whole day. Its an Onshore Asset Process Safety Health Review. Saja tulis nama penuh, bukan uolls paham pon..hahahaha... And I am pretty damn sure I no longer have people from my company reading this blog. This meeting is meant to be held annually, the experts of each Safety Critical Element (SCE) are supposed to report out the status of their barrier. They would take inputs from various day-to-day activities and determine the health of the elements, rated as Red, Yellow (they call Amber here) and Green. My team was responsible to one SCE that is not part of our day-to-day activities, regardless, we still have to report as well. My teammate was the one doing the presentation. My boss requires all of us to sit in the meeting throughout, as we are the Process Safety Team.

I still consider myself a rookie in the whole of Upstream business and its in my best interest to sit in, listen, and take in as much as I can. So there I was, attentively sitting in, listening, processing what I heard and computing the logic, challenging (in my mind) on some of the findings. At one point, I was so engrossed that I think my head hurts a bit (maybe). Then it hits me, is this what I really want to do?  I was cracking my head to understand all of these things, whereas, I could easily cracked my head thinking of a business plan. Lately, I have been toying with the idea of opening up a cafe. Not now, but when I am back in Malaysia. I even thought of the concept, the menus, and random thoughts pops up here and there in my mind since I have been thinking about this.
pic credit to Google
It then bags the question again, do I really want to do this? For now, sadly, its not about what I want, its more of what I need. I have come to an age where I start to question my decisions, exploring whether am I satisfied enough on what I have today. I would be a much happier person if I can start my cafe business now, but then again, I don't have the means. Not yet. I still love my job though, the challenges that comes with it, the vast experience here, which to me is priceless! I don't want to leave this place, not yet. I am not ready to walk out (or is it I don't dare to walk out?). The audacity to venture into the real world out there, taking personal risk, is not there yet.

I am turning 34 this year. One more month to my birthday. What have I accomplished at this age? Not much actually, I am yet to settle down. Or am I destined to live like this? With no place to feel fully grounded. I'll be a constant wanderer. Back to midlife, Malaysian's life expectancy is estimated to be at 73-74 year of age. Which then makes the midlife at 36-37 years of age. So, theoretically I am not there yet, but spiritual and mentally, I am there.

A friend shared an article on her FB page. Its about what we 'childless' women are appealing to the moms out there. I can connect well with the article, very well. Can read more here.

Just yesterday, I was thinking of midlife and today I see this article. Sigh.......  Nothing much I can do for now. There are 'makcik' type of people here in the camp, making all these remarks. I have developed a skin thick enough to just brush off all of these, both on marriage and kids. Period.

There it is, I am having my first ever midlife crisis..hahaha... If you want to know more of the health statistics with regards to Malaysia, you can go here.

Until next time, wassalam.

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“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you." ~ William Arthur Ward...

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