Shell

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.... 

Whoever it is that happens to read this. I don't think anybody will read this, but it's ok 😊. This is for me. 내 생각 에 요. 

I've been drawing myself into my own shell more and more these days. I had this first written on 2nd Nov, and today 29th Nov, I still feels the same, maybe a bit more. 

I found myself hating the sound of message coming in notification, seriously annoyed. Its not that I don't welcome message coming in, but I just hate the noise, especially if its a repeated sound at the same time - indicating the sender sending many messages.

I still look forward to meeting people, I still made plans to see friend, but that's it. I have no other interest apart from watching drama, try to loose weight, try new bread recipe (which counter my try to loose weight priority). I no longer interested in the bigger picture, no longer try to right what was wrong, no longer wanting to voice my opinions, I basically stop caring for the bigger world. I think that statement in itself is an alarm to my inner well being. 

Ohh.. this is so negative and I don't see a point of talking about this to anybody. So this is it. 

Till next time. 

Wassalam. 

Deactivated

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t, 

Weeks has passed, and I didn't get to have my birthday meal as planned, managed to make bagels (8pcs) and I still have one bagel in the fridge. Made pulao and chicken tikka masala few days later, it was ok, but I think the chicken dish was a flop, taste wise its ok, but nowhere close to the standard of tikka masala. 😛.

I did bought the whole BR ice cream cake, but only managed to eat it 2 weeks later, because I've been swamped with desserts from friends and barely managed to finish anything on my own. It was distributed to neighbours and the kids as well. 

That's that for birthday. What happened since then? Covid situation actually gotten worse in Kedah. Malaysia received 14 million doses of vaccine in July but somehow I don't see significant progress in the vaccination program in this state. I see friends posting up vaccination pictures and good for them. Major effort in KL and Selangor to ramp up the vaccination rate, while few states like Kedah are left in limbo. I've yet to get my 1st dose appointment here, and that has caused me to be a very negative and a very bitter person. VERY. I've not felt this prolong negative feeling ever. On the day of Arafah, when people are sharing all kinds of prayer, I found myself crafting hate message to post in my IG story about these whole vaccination thing. 

My doa on that day was for Allah to take away all these hate and resentment that I feel. Logically I can accept how things are, the prioritization over other states, the slow progress etc. From a sane mind, I accepted all that, but deep down inside I feel so hurt, sakit hati to the point I can't understand it. 

And I realized that once you think you are in bad position, don't look at the people that is doing better than you, look to those that is having it worse, as you could also be in that position. In another word, appreciate what you have right now, its a blessing in its own way. It could've been worse. 

So in order to stop myself from looking at the people who has it better, I decided to deactivate my IG. Tak payah tengok. Habih cerita.  So its only been a few days, and I can't say that it has helped me tremendously, but I guess it helps a little bit. While the whole vaccination progress is totally out of my hands, I can still choose to pick what I see and what stays on my mind. 

I even thought of deactivating my FB, and would have done it already had it not been for the 3 groups that I am currently following. Haish....

As days goes by, I am thinking of deleting my current IG account altogether. Maybe I log in one last time to copy all the saved recipe and then be done with it. 

I may create a new IG and only follow really important people sahaja. We'll see. I may change my entire plan altogether. Entahlah. 

For now, I am not in a good place. This hate and resentment is still piling up and I am having a hard to time to let it go.

I hope it will subside soon. I really do.

Till next time. Wassalam.      

Woowww.. 4 months!

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t..

My last entry was in Feb-2021, and 4 months later only I feel the need to pen down something here again..haha. Lama jugak tu tak komplen-mengomplen ni..

Nothing much actually, I'm still in SP. Friday has always been slow..and its raining here in SP, so memang la lemau sangat. Last year I was back here in June as well, we managed to have a combined birthday celebration, but not this year. Things has gotten from bad to worse, and we can't even cross state since Jan 2021. And since June is pack load with birthday, I can't help but to go on planning mode. 

Since we can't see each other, I've been sending treats to friend who celebrated birthday this whole month long. Last week was my nephew's birthday, sent some lasagna, tomorrow is Kak's birthday, will be making something for her as well. Am still considering whether or not to buy a cake on top of it. We'll see. 

For my birthday next week, these are my planned menu: 

Breakfast like a king with homemade bagels topped with smoked salmon and cream cheese.

Lunch with Indian cuisine, vegetable pulao, chicken tikka masala, and some raita. 

Dinner like a pauper, milo secawan dengan biskut kering, takpun murukku..hahahaha.. cukup la kot 2 big meals. 

I am thinking of getting myself the ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. Masa kat Miri complain kemain sana takda BR, balik sini, sekali pun tak jejak BR tu. Dasar munafik..hehe. 

With all these planning, I came to a realization.

In the end, only you will be there for you and you alone, all along. Period. 

I guess thats what gave me courage to travel solo back when I was clueless about travelling. I know somehow, someway I will only have me to depend on, to cheer me on, to have any hope on anything else. There will be no one else, my 20s me had a certain hope before, my 30s me somehow realize that its not gonna happen, and my soon to be 40 me know without a doubt, full conviction, that's it will only be just me. 

Friends and family will be there, but I will be in their agenda when needed. At the point I serve no purpose, I'll be on my own, I am on my own. Fact.

That's all for now. Very much looking forward to my birthday menu. Till next time. Wassalam. 

Sakit Gigi

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

I had a bad dental hygiene habit. I don't go for the bi-annual check up. I think partly because  I was traumatised since young. Yeah.. blame it to the world..haha. So yeah, I've only been to dentist when something goes wrong. 

Last week one, ada sebatang gigi geraham ni dah lama berlubang, so I avoided chewing on my left side for quite a while (years..hahaha..). Punya la tak mau p dentist..perangai..hmmm..So last week somehow it hurts, a lot, and I know that it needs to be extracted out. On Saturday of to dentist I went and the Dr did injected local anesthetic, I think 2 doses, but the pain was unbearable, I asked for more, maybe 2 more. You see, I'm a chicken when it comes to sakit gigi. Serius tak tahan weh.. Period pain if I know I have nothing to do, then I'll do my best to endure. Sakit gigi I gave up almost immediately, takda nak lawan2 sakit pretending to be strong or what. No way Jose. 

So the extraction went well, but of course after the anesthesia wears off, Allahuakbar, sakit weh. The clinic did gave some pain killer, so I was like counting the hours to the next dosage, teruk betui. Its a normal paracetamol 500gm, 2 bijik sekali ambik. It was working, but I figured taking 1000mg of paracetamol each 8 hours must have some kinda effect right? And looking at the pain, it doesn't look like it gets better within a day. So I went to get another type of pain killer from the local pharmacy, the girl suggested Safrosyn (Naproxen Sodium 275mg) and only one tablet every 8 hrs.

Boy was I glad to try that new pain killer, the small tablet lasted me slightly more than 8 hours, so I've been dragging the next dosage, consuming only when I think I cannot bear the pain. Last night I was contemplating to go to bed without one. Alhamdulillah I managed to get some sleep. Today I've not been consuming any, just a little bit discomfort to the gum, not much pain anymore, so I think I can stop the pain meds. 

I was thinking the residue pain or discomfort on the gum maybe a side effect of too much anesthetic? Macam people that uses epidural during labour will have tougher time during recuperation, betui ka concept tu? haha..suka hati buat teori sendiri. 

Okla, tu ja nak update, nak cerita ngan orang malaih, so cerita kat sini ja, sambil dengaq lagu k-pop..hahaha.. Till next time. 

Wassalam. 

     

Virtual Industrial Training

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t, 

Few years back when I was still in PD, I was very much involved in taking interns and supporting my alma mater, School of Chem Engine UiTM in supervising Design Project students. When I went to NG, everything stopped because of the distance. After I came back things with the university has been very quiet, and somehow this year, my former lecturer contacted me on this virtual industrial training. 

The thing is with pandemic and all, not many companies are taking interns or student trainee, and even worse when most company are encouraged to work from home, how can the student get any placement at all? My company is currently going for re-org, so there's no way anybody will get any placement at all. But for the students, life has to go on, they need to complete it, in order to graduate. Hence the faculty comes up with the virtual industrial training option. 

I jumped at the opportunity as I feel some kind of void without all these extra curricular activity to keep me occupied, I mean work will never end but there must be something more. Consulted my boss, asked for his permission as I will be using my time on this. Definitely my work will be top priority and what I agreed with him, I will supervise and share my experience based on my own capacity. No specific assignments that will need them to get confidential information from the company. 

I think that part is clear, they are committed to me, not the company, there is no confidentiality agreement signed anyway, so I can't give anything to them that is company specific. Which is still fine, as there a lot of resources online that they can refer to. My job is to provide guidance and share what industry look like and how all these knowledge are being applied in a real operating condition. 

Its week 3 now, the MO is I structured a program and used their current FDP to develop more scopes that is relevant to the industry. Kira macam extended research on their part, because as per the course requirement, its not part of their deliverables. Sounds pretty simple at first, taaapiiiii...... I need to prepare what I want to expose them to, before I can give any assignment, and the challenging part is we only booked 1 hour for me to brief them, so time is limited. Week 1 was fine, sebab intro ja, so it went well. Week 2 was a bit more challenging as I was sharing a concept that they've heard off but only on surfaced level. The whole session was 1.5 hours, kering tekak weh..hahaha.. In terms of preparing the slide and content, it was not bad, because the subject is my forte so materials are abundance. I gave them an assignment that I think its quite hard and I was expecting some of them (all 3 of them) to at least contact me for further consultation, but as of now macam senyap jaaa.. kalau depan mata boleh tanya and check on them. I don't want to be spoonfeeding them, so yeah just have to wait and see. I don't think I would turn into a nag though. Dulu zaman darah muda I did loose my calm, tapi it was a rare occasion.. hahaha. 

Am preparing week 3 material now, which is not my forte but I've had some experience it it, definitely not my comfort zone, so its a challenging task for me. I've been enjoying the journey so far, preparing the materials and engaging the students, also the interaction with my former lecturer. I think I can try going into the academic line, but I just need to buck up, focus, p belajaq balik, ambik Master and PhD, then I'm all good. We'll see how. For now, I think I'm not done working yet, and I still have lots of bills to pay..haha. 

Nak belajaq balik pun cost money and at this age, no way I can get any sponsorship..hahaha. 

Okla, till next time. Wassalam. 

Allergic

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Am on my bed now, nak tidoq dah. Dozed off in front of the TV just now. Must be the effect of medicine that I'm taking right now. 

Am on 2nd cycle of meds already. Few weeks ago I developed some allergic reaction. I don't know what it was. Entire face is itchy, and so are my hands, worst part is even my eyes are itchy. Up to the point I applied vicks vaporub to my eyelid. That's how bad it was. 

Went to clinic and Dr suggested to quit my skin care first as she sees the symptoms are mainly contact allergy, if it's something I ate, the rashes would come out everywhere. Taken her advise and I switch my facial was to Cetaphil instead.

It got better, but as soon as the medicine finishes, the itchiness comes back again. Went to the same Dr and I asked about getting allergic test done. She prescribed me another round of meds and 3 different creams for both hands and face. I've yet to decide on proceeding with the allergic test. As of today I quit all chemicals altogether. 

I even wore glove when I hanged my clothes and washed the dishes. I still get some itchy spots here and there despite no chemicals and on medication. My colleague said it will take 2 weeks to detox. I think I need to double up the time, 4 weeks after my medicine runs out. See if I can tolerate the itchiness. But I think I will proceed with the allergic test anyway. 

As we get older, the body started to weaken, and we are prone to all kinds of things that we were immune to before. I never had skin problem, I don't get rashes, and no zits despite not being discipline in skin care. Dah tua2 ni manja la pulak. Nasib badan.. 

Okla, nak tidoq. Till next time. Wassalam. 

Stockdale Paradox

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

First day back to work after 3 days of leave, sangap gilaaaa.... hahaha. This morning agenda was team meeting, good for me as I can excuse myself from work, at least in the morning. The boss shared a bit more detail on the new org chart and how it impacts us as a team. In our own small section, the headcount maintain status quo but we are all required to update our CV and re-apply to our current roles (and maybe if you are eyeing for another role, by all means go ahead I guess..)

The only uncertainty is that other people that are impacted may also be eyeing our current role. So the competition is on. I've yet to update my CV in the system. Everybody is nervous due to this Reshape matter. The company has been careful in all of its communication so far and  lot of emphasis that shows Care - issues such as mental health are being discussed openly. Some people may disagree with this as they've experienced first hand of boss being a mental health threat itself. For me, I've been lucky so far, I hope I will continue to get good bosses in the future. 

On that note, my colleague shared about Stockdale Paradox Mindset - about being resilient in adversity. Much needed especially in this time of crisis. I didn't really read the material but when she shared the salient points in today's meeting, I figured, I am doing most of it and I guess that is why I have a better tolerant to what's happening nowadays. So here's the main point, taking lesson from Stockdale Paradox Mindset. 

Stay grounded in reality - confront and make sense of your current situation AND at the same time Stay hopeful for the future - keep an unwavering faith that you will get through this, even if you don't know exactly how.     

So what can you do in order to live up to these mindset? 

1. Incorporate humor and laughter into your day. - whatever that makes you laugh, do it!
2. Reverse negative thinking - train the brain to think of positive thoughts, one way is to be grateful. Each day list down things that you are grateful for, that will slowly develop a positive mindset. 
3. Surround yourself with 'Hope Providers' - find people who we can trust and confide in - this I failed miserably, as I do have trust issue and I am quick to pull back. Being labeled as mulut laser at times, I've learnt to keep my piece, and I don't think people can help to overcome my problem, I always have the belief that I need to solve my problem myself. So yeah, I don't do this. 
4. Reflect on what you value and take action - reflect and make sure our actions are aligned with our value - this I do really well. :)
5. Choose you - this is somewhat similar to the point above, we need to have a strong sense that our lives are meaningful, and that thought itself will help us to cope, survive and rebuild whatever that is needed from within. 
6. Hold on to your stability rocks - Stability rocks help us to remember that there are things that is within our control, mundane things such as regular exercise, some tea break in between, those things can keep us grounded and give us a sense of control. I apply this in the thought that we each have our own circle of control and some circle of influence, we have to acknowledge there are many things that is outside of our circle of control and also circle of influence. so identify those and don't get too hung up on it. This whole Covid situation can be dealt with this approach. 
7. Practice tolerating uncertainty - I think the main point here is don't try to be a control freak all the time. We can always try to do things differently and see how it turns out, be open for more possibilities. 
8. Draw on skills you've used before - this is not the first problem that we encounter, how have we cope with previous crisis? reflect on that and use the same method to survive this chapter. We've done this before, we can do it again!

Out of the 8 points there, I have been doing 7 unconsciously, so yeah, I think in a matter of being resilient in adversity,  I think I am OK. Alhamdulillah. 

Until next post, happy new year 2021! 

Wassalam.