Drifted~

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t...

Bagi salam dekat sapa tak tau..It's not like anybody is reading this.. :P

Ok..hari ni nak curhat sikit. Lama kot tak mengadu-domba online..haha. Offline ada la few minutes of air time bila jumpa geng-geng cik kiah, but other than that, I don't think I ever did that with anybody else these days. Ngan geng cik kiah pun filter gak benda yang nak share. 

Ok here goes.. I've been feeling this for quite a bit, but late last year I finally knew my place. I have a close friend, S, since sekolah menengah and this friend has loaaaddddssss of other close friends as well. Time passes by and we maintain contact, meet up etc until today. But I know for sure that I don't have the same connection with her anymore. 

Being the one who always live far away, 80% of the time I will initiate meet up, get people's time etc. Within our group of friends, she will be the one arranging many things and I will almost always be there to support. Over time the group dwindled down and even those that work nearby rarely meet up and S got fed up, therefore she stopped making any initiative. I, on the other hand, still initiate meet up with her despite whatever the group dynamic is. At least I thought it was still worth it since we've been friends for more than half of our lifetime. 

S is very generous to people around her, and she shares her generosity online - hence people like me who lives thousand miles away also knows about this. I was among those that received generous gift before, just by being friends. For the last few years, I was out of the list, which I think I don't mind, as I am trying to avoid collecting stuffs but when she gifted things to me, I can tell it was thoughtless. For the many years we've been friends, we've had a handful trip together, local and overseas, and not even once I used perfume, and I think if my friends are attentive enough, they would have noticed. And sad to say S didn't. She gave me perfume from middle east, which I know she's not been there recently. It must have been in her stocks and its just convenience to just give it to me. 

Okay, that is one. Another one, late last year I had training in KL and I asked for lunch date with sekolah menengah group, and of course last minute ramai tak boleh, so its just me and S. Which was fine for me. At the very last minute, S texted saying her sister and their family friend joining us. I didn't think much of it, so I agreed, and its not like she was asking permission, she was telling me the last minute arrangement. 

During lunch, 3 of them were talking about their day to day stuffs and gossip, and I was the 4th wheel. Occasionally her sister asked about my updates, but then its back to their own catch up. Mind you they meet almost every other weeks. 

I left the lunch feeling very uneasy...so this is what it feels when you are no longer exclusive with the person. It just doesnt feel good, to the point that I don't want to initiate anything else with S. This happen last year, and I still feels like this today. We have drifted so far that I can't connect with her anymore. 

I don't intend to confront S about this. She would probably say, if I don't like how things went, why didn't I say so? and in her defense, she would probably said that I knew the sister, so whats the problem? 

When I looked back, this is not the first time she did this to me. There was one time, we promised to meet and then suddenly her cousins wanted to have a picnic at the same time, so she asked me to join the family. I'm ok if its raya or some other parties, I have other friends to keep me company, but I definitely don't want to gate crash some family event. That's not how I roll.

Okla.. panjang dah bebel ni. Dosa kering bulan posa..haha

But yeah.. it is what it is.. we've drifted so much that I can no longer met her halfway. We don't connect on personal level anymore. Few years will fly by and she will be just an acquaintance. 

We've drifted so far, that among the so called 'close friend' that I have, we've never talked about retirement yet. Like serious, deep discussion with future plan etc. That shows how far apart we are now. 

Or maybe throughout these years, I was the delusional one thinking that we are close, whereas in fact I am just one of her acquaintances only. Maybe. 

Okla..sampai sini ja curhat. 안녕!

If You Don't Mind Me Asking....

Assalamualaikum w.b.t....

I thought I am the reserved 'I' type. It turns out, that is not always the case. I appreciate long talks and I am quite good in asking question, listening and following up with more questions and in the end the other party will have at least 70-80% of air time, while I gives away almost nothing about myself. 

But this week, I realized something. If asked, I will tell, and if the condition is good, I can match the other person's energy. One engineer that I have been working with for the past few years for example, we never really got to talk, and this week we were in the same workshop. Over lunch we managed to chat, and she is one cheery person, and she asked questions point blank with the intent to know, and my conversation with her, despite being short was like a rapid fire session. She asked, I answered, and I asked in return, she answered. That back and forth feels ok, meaning I was not trying to get away like I mostly did..hahaha..

Another one person was the workshop facilitator. This was my 3rd time meeting him. We hit it off when we first met. Reason being we knew each other by reputation long before we had formal connection and we have a lot of mutual acquaintances. More importantly, we were on the same wavelength most of the time. It was refreshing. I feel like if I have a partner, I would be able to talk trash about my partner with him..hahaha.. Nasib baik tak ada, buat dosa kering ja. 

My uni roommate used to say, I made good friends with guys. Indeed. I might not have close guy friends, but when I hit it off with any guy, I can even go on trips, have meals, watch movies without any strings attached. I treat them like any of my girl friends and I tend to be able not to get my feelings swayed, having second thoughts why were they being like that to me etc.

My only movie buddy moved back to semenanjung and abandoned me.. so it has been a while since I was able to talk and laugh like that. But hold on.. my cubicle mate, I can talk to him for hours too. We hit it off just fine..haha.. another example of what a good friend to a guy I can be..hahaha..

Ok, itu sajalah kali ini, from an introvert that sometime does get out of her shell and say her piece when asked... "If you don't mind me asking...".... :)

Till next time. Wassalam. 

2024... Fuh!

 Assalamualaikum... 

Hi self, 안녕! 잘 지내지? 10 days into the year, back to work almost full swing..almost but my body is still on weekend clock and this week I am attending workshop which starts at 9AM (which means I have to be at work 8AM) and be awake for the whole day, and must be able to focus. 

3rd day of workshop, I still struggle to keep myself awake, what more to focus and contribute to the workshop..

Yesterday I messaged most of my remaining friends that I can find within the company chat app, saying I need the distraction to stay awake. Teruk betui...hahaha..

So.. how have I been? Covid flew by and within the pandemic period I managed to steer clear...but end of last year sees spike in infection here in Malaysia.. and I was part of the statistic as well. Survived the pandemic tapi kecundang jugak time endemic ni...hahaha.. before Xmas I got infected, during Xmas my SV kena, and right into the new year another colleague got hit with Covid...hahaha.. Ok back to me. 

I am still in Miri, doing the same job, but living in different house now. Apart from that life has been pretty much the same.. I should have updated more. I wanted to but I was too lazy..haha..

Ok, some notable things that I can be proud off, I have improved a lot in 한국어.. Started in 2021 and I am at intermediate level now. I can read albeit very slow, understand simple dialogue, and if I were to leave a rom-com drama running in the background, I can understand the conversation, if not the context of the scene. The only thing that I have not improved as much as I hoped is the conversation part. 너무 어려워요.... and noticed that I switched typing more easily these days. I have my laptop and phone configured with 한글 keyboard. 

And like many of the previous new years.... the resolution to loose weight is by default ignited. We'll see how far we get this year, and with few holidays planned, I am prepared to be on yo-yo journey again, but hopefully not so much, and by end of this year, hoping to see the deficit. 

할 수 있어! 그럼 올해 더 열심히 하겠습니다!

Shell

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.... 

Whoever it is that happens to read this. I don't think anybody will read this, but it's ok 😊. This is for me. 내 생각 에 요. 

I've been drawing myself into my own shell more and more these days. I had this first written on 2nd Nov, and today 29th Nov, I still feels the same, maybe a bit more. 

I found myself hating the sound of message coming in notification, seriously annoyed. Its not that I don't welcome message coming in, but I just hate the noise, especially if its a repeated sound at the same time - indicating the sender sending many messages.

I still look forward to meeting people, I still made plans to see friend, but that's it. I have no other interest apart from watching drama, try to loose weight, try new bread recipe (which counter my try to loose weight priority). I no longer interested in the bigger picture, no longer try to right what was wrong, no longer wanting to voice my opinions, I basically stop caring for the bigger world. I think that statement in itself is an alarm to my inner well being. 

Ohh.. this is so negative and I don't see a point of talking about this to anybody. So this is it. 

Till next time. 

Wassalam. 

Deactivated

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t, 

Weeks has passed, and I didn't get to have my birthday meal as planned, managed to make bagels (8pcs) and I still have one bagel in the fridge. Made pulao and chicken tikka masala few days later, it was ok, but I think the chicken dish was a flop, taste wise its ok, but nowhere close to the standard of tikka masala. 😛.

I did bought the whole BR ice cream cake, but only managed to eat it 2 weeks later, because I've been swamped with desserts from friends and barely managed to finish anything on my own. It was distributed to neighbours and the kids as well. 

That's that for birthday. What happened since then? Covid situation actually gotten worse in Kedah. Malaysia received 14 million doses of vaccine in July but somehow I don't see significant progress in the vaccination program in this state. I see friends posting up vaccination pictures and good for them. Major effort in KL and Selangor to ramp up the vaccination rate, while few states like Kedah are left in limbo. I've yet to get my 1st dose appointment here, and that has caused me to be a very negative and a very bitter person. VERY. I've not felt this prolong negative feeling ever. On the day of Arafah, when people are sharing all kinds of prayer, I found myself crafting hate message to post in my IG story about these whole vaccination thing. 

My doa on that day was for Allah to take away all these hate and resentment that I feel. Logically I can accept how things are, the prioritization over other states, the slow progress etc. From a sane mind, I accepted all that, but deep down inside I feel so hurt, sakit hati to the point I can't understand it. 

And I realized that once you think you are in bad position, don't look at the people that is doing better than you, look to those that is having it worse, as you could also be in that position. In another word, appreciate what you have right now, its a blessing in its own way. It could've been worse. 

So in order to stop myself from looking at the people who has it better, I decided to deactivate my IG. Tak payah tengok. Habih cerita.  So its only been a few days, and I can't say that it has helped me tremendously, but I guess it helps a little bit. While the whole vaccination progress is totally out of my hands, I can still choose to pick what I see and what stays on my mind. 

I even thought of deactivating my FB, and would have done it already had it not been for the 3 groups that I am currently following. Haish....

As days goes by, I am thinking of deleting my current IG account altogether. Maybe I log in one last time to copy all the saved recipe and then be done with it. 

I may create a new IG and only follow really important people sahaja. We'll see. I may change my entire plan altogether. Entahlah. 

For now, I am not in a good place. This hate and resentment is still piling up and I am having a hard to time to let it go.

I hope it will subside soon. I really do.

Till next time. Wassalam.      

Woowww.. 4 months!

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t..

My last entry was in Feb-2021, and 4 months later only I feel the need to pen down something here again..haha. Lama jugak tu tak komplen-mengomplen ni..

Nothing much actually, I'm still in SP. Friday has always been slow..and its raining here in SP, so memang la lemau sangat. Last year I was back here in June as well, we managed to have a combined birthday celebration, but not this year. Things has gotten from bad to worse, and we can't even cross state since Jan 2021. And since June is pack load with birthday, I can't help but to go on planning mode. 

Since we can't see each other, I've been sending treats to friend who celebrated birthday this whole month long. Last week was my nephew's birthday, sent some lasagna, tomorrow is Kak's birthday, will be making something for her as well. Am still considering whether or not to buy a cake on top of it. We'll see. 

For my birthday next week, these are my planned menu: 

Breakfast like a king with homemade bagels topped with smoked salmon and cream cheese.

Lunch with Indian cuisine, vegetable pulao, chicken tikka masala, and some raita. 

Dinner like a pauper, milo secawan dengan biskut kering, takpun murukku..hahahaha.. cukup la kot 2 big meals. 

I am thinking of getting myself the ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. Masa kat Miri complain kemain sana takda BR, balik sini, sekali pun tak jejak BR tu. Dasar munafik..hehe. 

With all these planning, I came to a realization.

In the end, only you will be there for you and you alone, all along. Period. 

I guess thats what gave me courage to travel solo back when I was clueless about travelling. I know somehow, someway I will only have me to depend on, to cheer me on, to have any hope on anything else. There will be no one else, my 20s me had a certain hope before, my 30s me somehow realize that its not gonna happen, and my soon to be 40 me know without a doubt, full conviction, that's it will only be just me. 

Friends and family will be there, but I will be in their agenda when needed. At the point I serve no purpose, I'll be on my own, I am on my own. Fact.

That's all for now. Very much looking forward to my birthday menu. Till next time. Wassalam. 

Sakit Gigi

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

I had a bad dental hygiene habit. I don't go for the bi-annual check up. I think partly because  I was traumatised since young. Yeah.. blame it to the world..haha. So yeah, I've only been to dentist when something goes wrong. 

Last week one, ada sebatang gigi geraham ni dah lama berlubang, so I avoided chewing on my left side for quite a while (years..hahaha..). Punya la tak mau p dentist..perangai..hmmm..So last week somehow it hurts, a lot, and I know that it needs to be extracted out. On Saturday of to dentist I went and the Dr did injected local anesthetic, I think 2 doses, but the pain was unbearable, I asked for more, maybe 2 more. You see, I'm a chicken when it comes to sakit gigi. Serius tak tahan weh.. Period pain if I know I have nothing to do, then I'll do my best to endure. Sakit gigi I gave up almost immediately, takda nak lawan2 sakit pretending to be strong or what. No way Jose. 

So the extraction went well, but of course after the anesthesia wears off, Allahuakbar, sakit weh. The clinic did gave some pain killer, so I was like counting the hours to the next dosage, teruk betui. Its a normal paracetamol 500gm, 2 bijik sekali ambik. It was working, but I figured taking 1000mg of paracetamol each 8 hours must have some kinda effect right? And looking at the pain, it doesn't look like it gets better within a day. So I went to get another type of pain killer from the local pharmacy, the girl suggested Safrosyn (Naproxen Sodium 275mg) and only one tablet every 8 hrs.

Boy was I glad to try that new pain killer, the small tablet lasted me slightly more than 8 hours, so I've been dragging the next dosage, consuming only when I think I cannot bear the pain. Last night I was contemplating to go to bed without one. Alhamdulillah I managed to get some sleep. Today I've not been consuming any, just a little bit discomfort to the gum, not much pain anymore, so I think I can stop the pain meds. 

I was thinking the residue pain or discomfort on the gum maybe a side effect of too much anesthetic? Macam people that uses epidural during labour will have tougher time during recuperation, betui ka concept tu? haha..suka hati buat teori sendiri. 

Okla, tu ja nak update, nak cerita ngan orang malaih, so cerita kat sini ja, sambil dengaq lagu k-pop..hahaha.. Till next time. 

Wassalam. 

     

Virtual Industrial Training

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t, 

Few years back when I was still in PD, I was very much involved in taking interns and supporting my alma mater, School of Chem Engine UiTM in supervising Design Project students. When I went to NG, everything stopped because of the distance. After I came back things with the university has been very quiet, and somehow this year, my former lecturer contacted me on this virtual industrial training. 

The thing is with pandemic and all, not many companies are taking interns or student trainee, and even worse when most company are encouraged to work from home, how can the student get any placement at all? My company is currently going for re-org, so there's no way anybody will get any placement at all. But for the students, life has to go on, they need to complete it, in order to graduate. Hence the faculty comes up with the virtual industrial training option. 

I jumped at the opportunity as I feel some kind of void without all these extra curricular activity to keep me occupied, I mean work will never end but there must be something more. Consulted my boss, asked for his permission as I will be using my time on this. Definitely my work will be top priority and what I agreed with him, I will supervise and share my experience based on my own capacity. No specific assignments that will need them to get confidential information from the company. 

I think that part is clear, they are committed to me, not the company, there is no confidentiality agreement signed anyway, so I can't give anything to them that is company specific. Which is still fine, as there a lot of resources online that they can refer to. My job is to provide guidance and share what industry look like and how all these knowledge are being applied in a real operating condition. 

Its week 3 now, the MO is I structured a program and used their current FDP to develop more scopes that is relevant to the industry. Kira macam extended research on their part, because as per the course requirement, its not part of their deliverables. Sounds pretty simple at first, taaapiiiii...... I need to prepare what I want to expose them to, before I can give any assignment, and the challenging part is we only booked 1 hour for me to brief them, so time is limited. Week 1 was fine, sebab intro ja, so it went well. Week 2 was a bit more challenging as I was sharing a concept that they've heard off but only on surfaced level. The whole session was 1.5 hours, kering tekak weh..hahaha.. In terms of preparing the slide and content, it was not bad, because the subject is my forte so materials are abundance. I gave them an assignment that I think its quite hard and I was expecting some of them (all 3 of them) to at least contact me for further consultation, but as of now macam senyap jaaa.. kalau depan mata boleh tanya and check on them. I don't want to be spoonfeeding them, so yeah just have to wait and see. I don't think I would turn into a nag though. Dulu zaman darah muda I did loose my calm, tapi it was a rare occasion.. hahaha. 

Am preparing week 3 material now, which is not my forte but I've had some experience it it, definitely not my comfort zone, so its a challenging task for me. I've been enjoying the journey so far, preparing the materials and engaging the students, also the interaction with my former lecturer. I think I can try going into the academic line, but I just need to buck up, focus, p belajaq balik, ambik Master and PhD, then I'm all good. We'll see how. For now, I think I'm not done working yet, and I still have lots of bills to pay..haha. 

Nak belajaq balik pun cost money and at this age, no way I can get any sponsorship..hahaha. 

Okla, till next time. Wassalam. 

Allergic

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Am on my bed now, nak tidoq dah. Dozed off in front of the TV just now. Must be the effect of medicine that I'm taking right now. 

Am on 2nd cycle of meds already. Few weeks ago I developed some allergic reaction. I don't know what it was. Entire face is itchy, and so are my hands, worst part is even my eyes are itchy. Up to the point I applied vicks vaporub to my eyelid. That's how bad it was. 

Went to clinic and Dr suggested to quit my skin care first as she sees the symptoms are mainly contact allergy, if it's something I ate, the rashes would come out everywhere. Taken her advise and I switch my facial was to Cetaphil instead.

It got better, but as soon as the medicine finishes, the itchiness comes back again. Went to the same Dr and I asked about getting allergic test done. She prescribed me another round of meds and 3 different creams for both hands and face. I've yet to decide on proceeding with the allergic test. As of today I quit all chemicals altogether. 

I even wore glove when I hanged my clothes and washed the dishes. I still get some itchy spots here and there despite no chemicals and on medication. My colleague said it will take 2 weeks to detox. I think I need to double up the time, 4 weeks after my medicine runs out. See if I can tolerate the itchiness. But I think I will proceed with the allergic test anyway. 

As we get older, the body started to weaken, and we are prone to all kinds of things that we were immune to before. I never had skin problem, I don't get rashes, and no zits despite not being discipline in skin care. Dah tua2 ni manja la pulak. Nasib badan.. 

Okla, nak tidoq. Till next time. Wassalam. 

Stockdale Paradox

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

First day back to work after 3 days of leave, sangap gilaaaa.... hahaha. This morning agenda was team meeting, good for me as I can excuse myself from work, at least in the morning. The boss shared a bit more detail on the new org chart and how it impacts us as a team. In our own small section, the headcount maintain status quo but we are all required to update our CV and re-apply to our current roles (and maybe if you are eyeing for another role, by all means go ahead I guess..)

The only uncertainty is that other people that are impacted may also be eyeing our current role. So the competition is on. I've yet to update my CV in the system. Everybody is nervous due to this Reshape matter. The company has been careful in all of its communication so far and  lot of emphasis that shows Care - issues such as mental health are being discussed openly. Some people may disagree with this as they've experienced first hand of boss being a mental health threat itself. For me, I've been lucky so far, I hope I will continue to get good bosses in the future. 

On that note, my colleague shared about Stockdale Paradox Mindset - about being resilient in adversity. Much needed especially in this time of crisis. I didn't really read the material but when she shared the salient points in today's meeting, I figured, I am doing most of it and I guess that is why I have a better tolerant to what's happening nowadays. So here's the main point, taking lesson from Stockdale Paradox Mindset. 

Stay grounded in reality - confront and make sense of your current situation AND at the same time Stay hopeful for the future - keep an unwavering faith that you will get through this, even if you don't know exactly how.     

So what can you do in order to live up to these mindset? 

1. Incorporate humor and laughter into your day. - whatever that makes you laugh, do it!
2. Reverse negative thinking - train the brain to think of positive thoughts, one way is to be grateful. Each day list down things that you are grateful for, that will slowly develop a positive mindset. 
3. Surround yourself with 'Hope Providers' - find people who we can trust and confide in - this I failed miserably, as I do have trust issue and I am quick to pull back. Being labeled as mulut laser at times, I've learnt to keep my piece, and I don't think people can help to overcome my problem, I always have the belief that I need to solve my problem myself. So yeah, I don't do this. 
4. Reflect on what you value and take action - reflect and make sure our actions are aligned with our value - this I do really well. :)
5. Choose you - this is somewhat similar to the point above, we need to have a strong sense that our lives are meaningful, and that thought itself will help us to cope, survive and rebuild whatever that is needed from within. 
6. Hold on to your stability rocks - Stability rocks help us to remember that there are things that is within our control, mundane things such as regular exercise, some tea break in between, those things can keep us grounded and give us a sense of control. I apply this in the thought that we each have our own circle of control and some circle of influence, we have to acknowledge there are many things that is outside of our circle of control and also circle of influence. so identify those and don't get too hung up on it. This whole Covid situation can be dealt with this approach. 
7. Practice tolerating uncertainty - I think the main point here is don't try to be a control freak all the time. We can always try to do things differently and see how it turns out, be open for more possibilities. 
8. Draw on skills you've used before - this is not the first problem that we encounter, how have we cope with previous crisis? reflect on that and use the same method to survive this chapter. We've done this before, we can do it again!

Out of the 8 points there, I have been doing 7 unconsciously, so yeah, I think in a matter of being resilient in adversity,  I think I am OK. Alhamdulillah. 

Until next post, happy new year 2021! 

Wassalam. 

E.X.O

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

Today's topic is my latest obsession. Yes, obsess is the right word. 

It started off when I watch My Annoying Brother and saw D.O for the first time. He can act. Started to find out more, that leads me to EXO, but at that time I quickly lost interest because from Wikipedia they have EXO, EXO-K, EXO-M... too much to handle.. haha.. 

Then I watched Touch Your Heart, the OST just got me. Turns out its Chen's Make it Count. Same story, and of course I ended up at the same Wikipedia page on EXO. Eh? Somehow I started watching them, and I went back all the way from their debut days, when there were still 12 members. 

I have never been interested in KPop as the tempo was not my style. Back in 2010 when SJ was super popular with Sorry Sorry Sorry and Oppa Gangnam was hitting charts worldwide, I couldn't care less. 

But something with these EXO kids, I got drawn in almost immediately. Looked up their songs, lyrics, concerts, interviews, the whole enchilada. This was sometime in 2019. Their debut was in 2012, so imagine I went back 7 years worth of material on these kids and I love it. I think I was heavily drawn to them after both Xiumin and D.O enlisted for the mandatory military service, so they were not many new updates from them as a group. Good time for me to catch up. 

This is one of my favourite song, a Japanese song. They have few Japanese song and this one is my favorite. They have been in my constant playlist in 2020.  

Cosmic Railway

Whoo, yeah yeah yeah yeah

You can’t choose the place where you’re born”

That’s just overthinking, it’s not like that

While wandering around the far ends of the sky

We came here because we wished for it

The moonlight that seems to guide me through

The interwoven days, I’m going to meet you now

Cosmic Railway

I’ll carry this feeling on board

Cosmic Railway

To return beside my beloved you

Rendezvous under the twinkling starry sky

And in the mists of time, let’s meet

Yeah yeah yeah, hmm

For you who doesn’t shed tears when hurt

I want to be a place where you can be at ease

The weaknesses that you don’t show to anyone

Even if you reveal them all here

That’s perfectly okay too

The moonlight that seems to watch over us

I’ll hug you closely, I’ll entrust everything to you

Cosmic Railway

I’ll carry this feeling on board

Cosmic Railway

To return beside my beloved you

The starry sky above us contacts us

No matter how many times, let’s cross paths again

Dramatic train

Accelerates and carries me

(And you) Among the stardust

Give a big wave at the Full moon

That seems to be smiling

Let’s go on a far off journey

Cosmic Railway, I’ll carry this feeling on board

Cosmic Railway, to return beside my beloved you

Rendezvous under the

Twinkling starry sky

And in the mists of time, let’s meet

Cosmic Railway

I’ll carry this feeling on board

Cosmic Railway

To return beside my beloved you

The starry sky above us contacts us

No matter how many times, let’s cross paths again

Woah, my love, hmm

I will still not call myself a K-Pop fan as I only listen to EXO. Other Korean song that I listened to are strictly drama OST. I don't want to start listening to other group (BTS for e.g) as I know these kids are super talented and I might loose control in trying to catch up, like I did with EXO. This one is just enough. I am heavily invested in them already. Thats enough. 

Till next time. Wassalam. 

Hwarang

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t. 

Today I missed the 5K. Tidoq balik lepas Suboh, mengantuk sangat..hahaha..So can't afford to slack off on the weekend then.😅

Ok...so how did my yesterday goes? I finished the Kdrama Hwarang. 

When I first started watching Kdrama, my SV recommended quite a few good ones. This one comes highly NOT recommended. She mentioned about poor hair and make up etc. For me, despite having my favourite Park Seo Joon as the main lead, I managed to not watch this drama.

But somehow I have this inkling to watch Park Hyung Sik and so I did.. Haha. Indeed, bad hair and make up all over, for a period drama that tells stories about elites, the hair are just messy, and to add on, cheesy acting for some especially the idols (Minho & V 😝), poor BGM, too loud at certain part that makes it hard to listen to the dialogue spoken and theres one OST that give the vibe drama melayu zaman 90an, the music, the tempo and even the vocal macam eh...cheesy nya weh..

Tu dia.. So many bad points huh 😅. Tapi hakak layan sampai episode 20 dik, because of the storyline. And since its a fiction that based on the history of one of the Three Kingdom, I think I gained a bit more knowledge watching this drama. The story was set in Silla, this is even before Joseon time.

Hwa means flower and Rang means young man or boys. So as the title says, this story is about a group of pretty young man that was gathered by the Queen in her quest to maintain control of the country while secretly preparing her son, the King to take over. After sitting at the throne for so long the Queen somehow refused to let go, and keep on insisting the King to continue living in hiding.

The King took matter in his own hand, managed to enter Hwarang pretending to be one of the officials nephew, using the name Jwi Di played by Park Hyung Sik. Another unknown figure in Hwarang is Seon U, he came as a soon to best physician in the city, who has just been reunited with his family.

Only certain group of people can enter Hwarang. They apply the Bone rank system (caste system), lebih kurang macam Harry Potter yang true blood half blood gitu.

The highest, are Sacred Bone having both side of the parents from the royal family, lower than them is the True Bone - high ranking official and allowed to hold ministerial position and they have few more layers below and lowest is peasant.

Same like any other civilization, these caste system was created to limit the society and safeguard certain group of people, which is carried forward until modern times. Enough about that, my favourite character is the hidden King and I think Park Hyung Sik played it well. Sebab tu boleh tahan tengok sampai habis, kesian ngan watak dia and you kind of empathise with him after seeing how the Queen was treating him. According to history, once the King came into power, he managed to expand Silla until they claimed land on both northern (Gugoryeo) and south (Baekje) side. He was indeed a great king, but whether or not the real king did stick to his ideals about a King should be the one living worrying about his people rather than vice versa, we don't know about that. Interesting la.

So in terms of male lead ranking, in my book, based on appeal category, Park Hyung Sik took over Park Seo Joon's position on this one. 💓

Till next time, wassalam. 

Hey Ya..!

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t. 

Tried to post yesterday tapi tak jadi. Keep on procrastinating. So today we start yet again. Can't promise to be a daily entry though as my life is not as exciting as it used to be, but its ok, I need to do this before I became dormant and immune to everything. 

So how did my yesterday goes? Same routine like any weekdays, woke up, did 5KM on the treadmill - still on track to get 100KM for this month as well. It started off last month when I joined the virtual challenge. It was a success and I decided to make it a routine. I noticed I tend to slack off on weekends, lepas Subuh bukan la tidoq balik ka apa, lagi syok belek phone tengok KDrama clips dari p tukaq baju, jalan atas treadmill. So yeah, I will allow myself to slack off on weekend and try hard to keep it up on weekdays so that I can get that 100k. 

This week I had a little setback, did 5K on Monday morning and when I lied back for a bit before continuing other routine, my back started to hurt again. I think I messed up the posture. I certainly did not overstrain myself on the treadmill, that is for sure. I mean, I only did 5k in an hour, not even close to brisk walk. So yeah, most likely the way I lied down. 

Off and on I had to lie and go into recovery position. This will be a permanent condition that I need to live with and it will happen from time to time. I have a good hang on how to manage the pain, without having to take any pain medication, which I hate because it just messed up my body anyway. I did changed my sleeping position, to either these 2: 

So yesterday, when I woke up, the pain has subsided quite a lot, and alhamdulillah I managed to complete another 5k on the treadmill. Today there are still mild pain, on scale 1-10, I would rate as 3. So its bearable. It will get better InsyaAllah. 

So that's it for today. Esok kita cerita pasal benda lain pulak. Till next time, wassalam. 

Rezeki part 2

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t

One year apart, and I am still going to talk about rezeki... Alhamdulillah!

Was speaking to Ija last week, and somehow she mentioned that since the bank interest rate has been adjusted, there should be reduction in the monthly home loan as well. I am still serving the loan for apartment in BJ and I have been diligently making partial payment to the home loan since my expat days. According to my plan, I would be able to finish all of it by the time I finished my assignment time here in Miri - expected end 2021, this is already considering partial payment, paying more than the required monthly rate etc. 

I made the plan, set up SI and forgot about it. The last partial payment was back in 2018, and I was curious how much more I need to pay, and I figured since I've been making steady deposit to the account, there should be surplus that I can use for partial payment again, just so I can speed up settling the loan. 

Pi la check pagi tadi, managed to settle 25K partial payment this morning and remaining balance is RM 22K not including interest. I've set up 2K per month for this home loan, and insyaAllah by end 2021, I would be able to settle the loan. I plan for this, but I never really monitored the payment and I'm not the type that tracked monthly expenses pun since there's a lot of break-ins here and there. 

But Alhamdulillah, my plan is going well so far. With the current economic crises, I don't know how much longer I can keep my job, but at least I will be able to serve up the loan, and keep the house in BJ. Alhamdulillah. Syukur sangat. 

The reason I'm noting it down here is as a reminder to myself. I'm proud of what I've achieved so far. 

잘 했어 - patting myself on the back.

I settled PB loan for the house in SP and I'm only 1 year away from settling this one. I am proud of myself and yet I can't say it openly for so many reasons. 

It may come across as showing off, or insensitive while others are struggling in this day and age. I don't even talk about moratorium for fear of being judged as bragging. But I couldn't help to be proud of myself. Alhamdulillah. That is all I can say. 

Coming from a family that used to scrap here and there just to make sure we pay the RM 124 monthly rent to DBKL, I am proud. I have come a long way, and that expat posting in Nigeria does wonders to helping me financially. Good job. And when this year is over, adik will be finishing her degree, and I think I won't have to worry about job security anymore. I have saved up some money for my own expenses, and some emergency funds for the kids. Hopefully that will do. That's all for now. 

I may start back the daily blogging as life in Miri in pandemic is mundane, and I don't feel like sharing too much in IG. We'll see. I just need to keep on living, keep on working, just a little bit more. Hang in there. 

Till next post. Wassalam. 

Rezeki

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh..

Just sharing something short (ya ka short..hahaha)..

This month I am almost broke (I've reached worst cash in hand before), paid adik's uni fees, so that's 5K gone, and then some other things. Just realised my spending account, CIMB has also reached its low, in fact lowest fund of all time. I've been spending without keeping good track, haish.. bad bad..

Saw one posting from one of the travelers, she's organizing a trip to Belitung Island, sooo wanted to join, but after I realised that my cash fund is hitting all time low, I have to rely on other means. I remember I did put away some money in my PB account. That account is meant for home loan, but since I've served the loan fully, its now is just a savings account. Each time I people borrow money from me, I will get them to pay back to that account.

I've taken most of the money out last year in Dec to pay for adik's uni fee then, by right the balance is only around 1K++, but since I've also auto-deducted some money on monthly basis (the one that I conveniently forget about), I figured I may have an extra 2-3K there, enough for me to join this trip..hehehe.

This PB account only comes with a passbook and I intentionally did not take the ATM card earlier as I already have the most common 2, CIMB and MBB. So all this while I've been making my transaction via the counter at the bank. The limit for transaction is 5K, anything lower should be via the machine. So yesterday I went to counter, get my ATM card and update the passbook. To my delight surprise, I actually have 20K in my account!! I mean like seriously? Of course I can't see the detail transaction right from Dec this year, but I didn't expect it to be that much, 5K is my top estimate. I guess people that I owed has been paying diligently and maybe some chunk of interest from somewhere, or did I get a cash back from the fully served home loan? macam tak..hahaha..

Oklah, no need to pening-pening. I have it and I'm glad, can top up some of my deficit this month, but I have to practice better self control moving forward. I should not be carried away. 20K seems like a lot, but it flows like water, next thing you know, all gone.

I am planning for Euro trip next year, so better behave.   :) and yes, made my deposit payment for the Belitung trip, so yes, insyaAllah I'm going.

Till next time, wassalam. 

What Future?

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh..

Its been months! I know.. somehow I have not been in any mood to do anything productive at all. I think I maybe at my lowest quality of life than I've ever been before. I work, go back watch drama, and then sleep. I don't plant things and make effort to see it grow anymore. Whatever in the yard, that is it. I make efforts to see people, by means of going back to KL on weekends. That part of silaturrahim is still maintained. But in terms of personal development, general health well being, status quo. Teruk gila kan.

Ok, dah divert from my original intent of this post. Back on track. We've known for quite some time that our future in Sarawak asset is in limbo (we: the company). There is ongoing negotiation with Petronas on the operatorship of our unit, which is owned by them but operated by us. It was under a 20 year PSC (production sharing contract). The contract due to expire end 2020, hence the negotiation has been ongoing for quite some time already. The talk of whether or not Petronas taking over and we loose the operatorship title and things like that. Yesterday a news came that also confirm the way forward. The biggest asset will be going through the 'shadow operatorship' by Petronas appointed company. While the whole negotiation is not a done deal yet, this part that is to be shadowed is almost confirmed to be handed over come end 2020. So that leads to the next question, what will happen to us?

This question has been on people's mind for quite some time. I was only mildly affected. I've been having this mindset that I'll probably be let go anytime by the company. In 2015 when the big re-organization happened, I've psyched myself up on plan B,C, and maybe D if I were to be made redundant.

After going through the harrowing experience of finding a new job mid 2017, I kinda accepted the fact that my day in this industry is numbered, and somehow, worry as I may, I really wasn't that much disturbed.

We had a session with our GM today, and when it was opened for Q&A, as expected my colleagues voiced out their concerns and uncertainty of our future here in Sarawak. Me on the other hand was only in the mood to listen. I was not curious at all, might sound distant, but I guess I was mentally prepared of whatever the outcome is. If I'm still needed here, I'll stay. If somehow I am made redundant, I don't think I'll loose sleep over it. I might not have tonnes of money, but I think I'll get by. I was and still am not too nervous about the whole thing. Maybe I have way too much trust in the system, but I think I've learnt to accept whatever has been decided for me. Allah SWT has shown me time and time again, regardless how much I worry, it has always His plan that works the best for me. I just have to walk the road the was laid for me. I know that much.

Another thing I realized is, I have a lot of untapped capability, what does that mean? What I mean is, I have a lot of resources (time, capital, brain power) to do something that can guarantee me a comfortable income even if I am not working in this field anymore, and the condition is I have to start doing it on the side, if I were to have a seamless transition from being employed to self earning income, (comfortable one). But somehow, I am not working on that. My sole income is my job, if I were to made redundant, that is it. I don't have a back up income. So why am I not doing anything even though I know at certain time, sooner or later it will come to that point?

The answer is, I don't enjoy unnecessary stress, I want a comfortable life, like what I am having right now. I am too lazy to make those effort. As I reflect back, one of the underlying cause is I live alone. Whatever hardship that I will go through, I have to face it alone. So I think its best for me to not risk anything, be it money wise, or my general well being. I don't have anyone to share my pain, my struggle, hence I will not be bringing that upon myself. Malas is another factor, but the lack of support I think is the biggest factor. I put minimal effort, and I feel bad saying this, but I'm ok with what I have now.

Well, at least this is my state now. If indeed there is a case for change, I'll definitely change.

Till next time, wassalam.  

I am tired of being an adult...

Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

What a title eh? hahaha... really, have been feeling that way lately and last night, adulting came real. How so?

March has been a month where I barely spend the night at home. First two weeks, was away in KK for a workshop. In that 2 weeks, flew back to KL for the weekend and then went on road trip with Sakina and Mawar. Last weekend I was back in Miri, only to fly back to KL on Monday afternoon as I've enrolled to attend a 2-day Process Safety seminar. Flew in last night.. reached home at ~9PM, ready to take a bath and call it a day.

Turned on the tap, no water... I knew I have not been paying the bills for quite some time, and I have this eerie feeling that my water supply has been disconnected. And then I remembered on Monday, there was a pipe leak incident near the house, so I texted both the landlord and my neighbour asking about any announcement of disruption. All is good, but they asked me to check the main valve outside, if its still shut. I wanted to just go to sleep, and check in the morning, but somehow, I've decided to check just before I went to bed. Lo and behold, the meter is gone...hahahahahaha... seumur hidup, this is the first time I've experience sampai meter kena ambik.

We used to live in government subsidised flat for almost 20 years. In the days where we almost have nothing to eat, mak still make sure that the rent is being paid in full, without fail. First thing the DBKL would do is cut the water supply for those who has been neglecting the house rent. That was mak's principle, biar tak makan, tapi jangan sampai kena halau.

So back to my case, I make do with whatever mineral/drinking water I have left in the house. The big tank outside is emptied out as well.. I think they must've taken away the meter last week, and when I was back in the weekend, I've been consuming the inventory from the tank..hahaha.. Semalam semua kering habis!

So this morning I went to LAKU ( Sarawak state govt owned company that manages water supply in Sarawak). Upon checking, I've not been paying the bills since July last year, baki tertunggak tak sampai RM50. But then no payment since July 2018, memang patut pun kena potong...hahahaha.. padan muka.

I paid all the bills, paid some in advance as well (enough to cover 2019), paid the re-connecting fee and I will get back my meter tonight. Haih la... It really has come to this. Being an adult, you can't afford to slack off, what more if you are living alone like me. You can play dumb, but it will bite you back when you least expected. I will need to include in the reminder for water bills next year. I've not really grown up have I?

Ohh well.... confession is good for the soul, and I am too ashamed to tell this to anyone else, so kat sini la bersemadi cerita ni. Another drama episode of my  mundane life..haha. Till next time.

Wassalam. 

Kill Me Heal Me

Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

Second month of the month, and second post.. (yay??) haha.. What has happened since last post..hmm.. nothing much, spent the weekend before CNY in SG, met up with friends, and a little bit of jalan-jalan..and finished this one K-Drama in between the trip.

Recommended by my colleague Chin Yin, since I have just discovered a liking towards Park Seo Joon. This was among his first drama, and true enough I love him in this one as well.

While my eyes were
 focused on Seo Joon, the main character and the story line hooks me, and the OST sangat2 sesuai, maybe it was specifically written for the drama, which makes it more impactful.

Before I knew it, I downloaded the song and have it in my playlist. Next thing I know, I watched the two lead again in their earlier drama, Secret Love.. fuh.. sedih gila, I was bawling  my eyes out. Tragic sangat cerita the heroine. 

And then I finished that within just 1 day +. Sanggup tak tidoq malam, start dari Jumaat malam, sampai ke Sabtu, marathon (blame Netflix! haha).

After that I finally started on Goblin, been there in my list for quite some time, but don't really have the inkling to start. People will say that I will fall in love with both of the lead actor, but as weird as it seems, I don't feel the love yet. Granted, they have superb chemistry and I am enjoying the bromance between the two, I don't find myself in a rush to look them up yet.

I was beginning to worry that I will fall in love with just anything K-Drama, now that the flood gate is opened, but thankfully it is not the case :).

When I love an actor, I can tell almost instantly, after maybe 1-2 episodes the heart decides.  Same goes with OST, when I feel connected to it, immediately I will search high and low for it. Goblin didn't gave me the same effect, 7 episodes down, but not yet, but I still enjoy the story though.

So I guess this heart of mine is still choosy, hahaha.. I still don't fall in love that easily. Ok, selamat la kan..

Ok, now waiting for the mood to check out another Park Seo Joon's drama, Fight for My Way. At the same time dah kena racun to watch another drama by this guy Ji Sung. He, to me, has a face which is of the same type like Song Joong Ki, what I call a sweet face, they can just move a 5mm of a muscle and you can see the sweet smile, effortless. Muka psycho pun boleh, how can you not fall in love with that?

Enough for today. Adios. 

Happy New Year 2019?

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh...

Since we are still in January, I guess its not really a late post (at the rate everybody is blogging now days..hahaha..) Some people has totally abandoned the blog, and switching to more regular updates in FB/IG. That is kinda good thing, as I can feel safe to vent in blog again.

So how was my 2018? All in, good, average good, work is fine, but I've been slacking off. Somehow lost my motivation a long the year, I blame the midlife crisis. Can't really get out of it, as I am still the sole provider for the family. This year will be tougher, a lot has changed, I foresee the family will rely a lot more on me during emergency times (which is getting more frequent these days). Sedih that we have not really get our act together as a family and live comfortably like all other families do. Feeling burdened for the longest time possible, but I have no choice but to weather through.

Therefore, I am choosing to lay low this year, not going back KL as much as 2018. Live quietly in Miri, and only go back when it is really needed. Need above wants, and now the need is only that matters. How will then I fulfill my 'wants'? Already lined up few things, travel to be exact, looking forward to it, very much. So hopefully that will materialize.

Choosing to live quietly in Miri and minimizing KL trip can only mean I am withdrawing from social world even more. Weekend in Miri means going back on Friday afternoon after work and I can stay indoor (didn't even bother to go out to tend to my garden) until Monday morning. I tried making an effort to go out for breakfast on Saturday, or a movie or two. Last 2 weeks, I actually spent few hours sitting in Starbucks, ordered a frappucino and mind my own business. It felt good. I need to make a point to go out, I need the air. I can spend the weekend not talking to a single soul, be it F2F or via social media, I can really do that. Mode masuk gua kalau untuk orang lain, but for me, it has become a normal mode.

Geng Cik Kiah came for a visit just before new year, they left on 31st and I spent the NY eve alone cooped up in the house. What else? 😏 My next trip out is for CNY, heading to SG, so I'll be fine going into solitude mode for another couple of weekends.

Why have I not been meeting new people in Miri, why can't I find new friends to hang out with? The answer is simple. I became lazy, lazy to make effort, lazy to approach people, lazy to just move. I no longer crave for companionship in that sense. I have always been fine going to cinema alone, but somehow it has become a norm, it would be hard for me to plan movie date with anybody, I think. Susah jugak kan kalau dah sampai phase macam ni.

I am going to stop pestering people to come visit me in Miri. Maybe I will go to Gua Niah on my own, tak payah tunggu visitors mai sini. This is Malaysia, what am I so afraid of? Now that I've driven to BSB with the Cik Kiahs, I think I can go solo. Already thinking of maybe one of the weekend in Ramadhan, nak try solat terawih kat one of the masjid, insyaAllah.

Ok, finishing off now. Next post maybe on how I spend weekends cooping up in the house. I thought I wanted to talk about that today, tapi bila dah start menaip, side track pulak..haha.

Till next time, wassalam. 

Something in The Rain

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Once in few years I will have one drama that get straight to my heart. The one that I can watch over and over and over again. I'm a sucker for romance, no doubt about that. Adding to my list is this 2018 K-Drama hit, English title is Something in The Rain, the direct translation title is Pretty Noona Who Buys Me Food.



Why am I crazily in love with this drama? Because the lead character, though he's the younger one, he is the matured one in the relationship. Their love was so intense and passionate and it really strucks me. How they were playful with each other is what I dreamed of how my relationship would be, its just that I can't be open to let loose just to anyone. Online I'm more open, but if you meet me F2F, I can come across as cold at times.

Jun Hee (the main character) though seems to be playful at times, takes the relationship very seriously. In episode 15, I would have just drop everything and follow him. To have someone that will love you that much and that deep, I will follow him to the end of the world. I really do. Other things that I like:
1. How Jun Hee tilted his head when he looks at Jin-Ah, ya ampun, its handsome, charming, cute all bundled up together.
2. How Jun Hee will always be the first one to extend his arms around Jin-Ah when she's feeling down, happy or whatever conditions.

Oh man, I will not be able to move on from this drama for a while. Watch the complete series twice already. Watched J-Drama With Love countless times!!. Watched Brilliant Legacy also more than twice, so yeah, I might not watched many drama, but those that I really like will stick to me forever. I am so screwed...

Oh well... how else do I entertain myself? Drama is a form of life that I will not be able to live, so I watch. That is the best that I can get.