This

We've not been talking much for the past few months. Our relationship has been off and on. I can't even remember when was the last time I sent anything to him.

Somehow today, he just out of the blue shared the podcast that he was listening to, just to create a conversation. Me, being the kayu as I always am, didn't really handle it well. Basically it was not a smooth flowing conversation, like always.

But regardless how it went, this feelings that I feel when he made the move (I can only guess his intention..) is indescribable. This feelings is nice, and if I'm not careful I can easily get carried away. It was nothing to him but I always tend to read into things.

This feeling is beautiful, that moment is beautiful. Maybe I am exaggerating things....but I don't get to feel this feelings every day. I just hope that I will be able to feel this again with someone that is halal for me. I really do.

Moment

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh,

I touched down at Qatar HIA at ~4.45 am. Next flight boarding at 6.05 am. There's still time for quick Suboh and a tea break, but first things first, I need to locate where is the next gate, quick check on the information board, gate B1. Quickly made my way to gate B. The musolla and toilet is located very close to the gate.

Having had completed my solat, I was contemplating where should I head on for tea break. No PAUL like cafe in HIA, so to the lounge it is. After a cup of tea and some pastries it was already 5 mins to 6 am. Gathered my things, made my way to the gate, but made a temporary stop at WH Smith. Picked up 4 books, about to fall into the marketing trick of buy 3 free 1 when the better sense in me says I can get the whole lot cheaper via MPH online, or bookexcess. Hehe. Put it back on the shelves, and this time I really head on to the gate. No more distraction.

Queued behind few locals and after the airport crew scanned my boarding pass, I stepped into the waiting area. I was looking for a non crowded place and all of the sudden there he was. He walked towards me, greeted me, we both said hello and he escorted me to where he is seated. We both knew that we would be on the same flight, and I guess he was looking forward to meet me. The feeling is mutual. He began talking about his trip, and he sounds really excited about it. He did mentioned that he can imagine living in KL.. aaww...So sweet!

The other passenger started boarding the flight and we were the only 2 left. He's on business class and I was on economy. We didn't see each other throughout the whole flight. The moment the flight touched down Lagos, I did what I always did, I rushed to the immigration counter. Got inline at the immigration counter and managed to fill up the form while at it. I could no longer see him. Being seated in 2A, I think he was probably the first one to board off the plane.

I was a bit nervous at the immigration counter because on the way out of Nigeria, they made a living hell out of me, picking on the tiny little details on my passport and make a mountains of issues about it. So when the immigration officer handed over my passport and green card, it was such a relief. Made my way to the conveyor belt, the bags has started to come. I spotted him on the other side of the belt. He already has a trolley with him and offered for us to share. His bag came out way earlier than mine. I was already getting really nervous, for fear that my bag is somehow stuck in Doha. He waited anyway. It took quite a while. Alhamdulillah I managed to get both of my bags and we both went through the customs check together. As usual the customs officer were on fishing trip. He did most of the talking, I just stand by his side, giving the impression that we are together and he made it clear to the custom that we ARE together. (Makin caiyaq dah waktu ni..hehehe). We were let go without much fuss and later while waiting for the bus to pick us up, he did mentioned he did intended to give the impression that we are a couple, maybe to speed things up. Whatever his reason is, I still could not stop smiling :)

We boarded the bus, he fills up the form for me and told the driver where we were heading. I got off at the local airport, heading back to PHC with 3.15 pm flight, while he will still be in Lagos for few days due to his project workshop. I will only see him later this week, maybe at a farewell party if he decided to go.

It might not be anything, but these small moments with him that I will treasure. I know very little chance that whatever we have between us is going anywhere, so please let me enjoy this. A brief moment in my life that I don't think I will ever get to experience again. It felt so good to be taken care of. Be it just pushing the trolley with my bag on, talking to the customs officer, and filling up my name in the bus sheet. Having being independent and all alone all this while, I really appreciate those little gesture, maybe small to other people but pretty huge deal for me, because all of that done by him.

I know what we have is special, I visited Norway and he visited Malaysia while we both know each other. Kalau orang tak tau status, memang dah jadi scandal dah.. hehe. No scandal, just a brief exciting episode in my otherwise ordinary life, and I'm thankful for it.

This year's KPI of having a photo with him has not materialize yet. (Ohh.. yearly KPI ek? hehe). As I am counting down the days left in this country, I am also dreading the day I will say farewell to him. As special as our relationship may seem, I don't put high hope for us to keep in touch after we both returned back to Malaysia and Norway respectively upon finishing this assignment. He's just not that kind to keep in touch. He said that himself, so its OK, whatever we have for the past 3 years is fine with me. Its enough.

Until next time.. wassalam..

I don't allow you to drive.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh...

Di saat orang kat tanah malaya sibuk dengan pick up line yang sweet-muit, ayat atas tu lah yang buat aku makin terikat.

So here's the story. Few friends and yours truly are planning to chase the northern lights come November this year. The lead proposed we follow trip kengkawan's itinerary, which is to go to Denmark, Norway and Sweden. We copied all their itineraries and tried to adjust here and there to suit our planning.

Taking advantage of Kim, I volunteered to run the plan with him to my friends, just to see from a local point of view if that is a good plan.

These kind of things to me is not something that you can just talk in passing. Since we have a proper itinerary, I asked for his spare time, to meet and properly discuss it. So yesterday we did.

Our plan for now is to drive in most part of the journey, exactly as what Trip Kengkawan did. Kim, on the other hand, upon knowing the tentative timing, strongly advised not to do so. At first he was just expressing his opinion, and as we discussed further, he keep on stressing to not drive in any part of Norway at that time due to the wet and snowy road condition and none of us girls have any experience driving in snow.

As if stressing his opinion not enough, he did finally make a point by saying: "In fact, I don't allow you to drive." and he looked serious about it. He did mentioned he was worried about me.

I laughed and replied, "Ok, ok, point noted."

The entire time I did not really tried to justify why and how we can proceed with driving, I was just accepting his feedback. But maybe he was so worried that we will still choose to drive, and therefore he emphasize his objection by saying so. Risau betul pakcik tu :)

If its other feminist, they would probably felt patronized by his statement, but me hearing it at that time, aduhhh... cair weh. Pick line tak pick up line.. jatuh makin dalam dah aku ni.. parah betul..haha.

Moments like this with him are the things I held on tight in my mind. Kept locked and compartmentalized in a permanent section of my memory as I know there is slim to none chances for this to happen again. Past few months we were a bit distant. Somehow we grew apart, and my Kim's time yesterday was enough for me. I'll look for other opportunity maybe next 3-4 months. I'm good for now.

Kim is sweet like that. Sweet without actually being a sweet talker, he's very direct, tak ada ayat bunga2, falsampah semua. Everything he said is blunt, and I don't think he's faking it. Tu yang buat hati makin terikat. I am easily turned off by sweet talker, I can talk to them but will never trust them. There is a certain negative pre-conceived notion about them that prevents me to do so.

Ok, enough for now. Noting it here for my memory, the sweet one this time. Till next time, wassalam.

Of Death and Regrets

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh...

Just received a news, a DIC classmate died due to road accident. I just said Hi to him via FB few months back. Its a shocker. He's the second one in our class that has passed away. With every death, we'll be pushed to reflect. But somehow this particular one left an impact to me. No, I was not close to him, but that kind of sudden death is hard to ignore.

What if it happens to me? I know that asking what if is not good. If I know that I will die tomorrow. This would be one of my regret. Kim. No, nothing is going on between us. We rarely talked though we are on the same bus every day. Its just that off and on when he did small things like this, it hard to forget him, and hard to not feel anything for him. When this email came in, I was dumbfounded. I left at his last email. I don't know how to feel. He is being nice by asking about it. Its his concern that worries me? What is it that he is not telling me? Other people knew but don't really care to ask unless I tell.

He's on different level, he may well be just keeping up with the current news but I wish he stop doing things like this, concern about things that is close to my heart. Making its hard for me to see him as just another colleague. I wanted to confront him, but I am scared that I will loose him, what if he avoid me? How am I going to face that for the next 2 years? I wanted to ask him, 'So how would you feel if I have to leave before my assignment ends?' I so badly want to ask, but I am scared of the answer, be it his verbal or non verbal ones. Gosh, its tough!

And he will be definitely a regret, if I don't make up my mind soon.

Till next time,

Wassalam.

KBB followed me on IG!

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuh... (part ni ja sopan..hehehe)

I've been using IG as a means to update my daily life happenings. Kat situ la share gambaq resepi, pokok, quotes repost from sapa-sapa entah, and also repost mostly Real Madrid's picture. Selfie maybe ada 1-2 dalam seribu lebih gambaq kat situ..

Since I moved here, my posting in IG has increased exponentially. Ye la, dah tak da kawan nak sembang, blog pon dah suam2 kuku, post sendiri, baca sendiri...hahaha.. no two ways interaction with other homo sapiens :P. Bbbuuuutttttt.......... That may change, may or may  not, we'll see how. Here's why. On Sunday, I saw a notification, I had a new follower, its not unusual, since my profile is public, and normally entah sapa2 yang follow. Some I follow back some I don't.

The new follower has a very small profile picture, so I checked out the profile. Its KBB!!! Aduh, pahal pulak dia follow aku ni. And the odd part is dia makin rajin share la plak.. minggu ni ja dah more than 2 posts, kalau tengok rekod dia yang dulu-dulu, 3 bulan sekali kot baru nak letak satu gambaq. Macam tak best la plak kan..dia follow kita, dah tentu dia tgk kita aktif dok update gambaq, tapi kita tak follow dia, padahal tiap2 hari bertembung (almost!). So nak tak nak...kena la follow gak, nak stalk memang tak logik. Orang jauh boleh la stalk, orang dekat apa kes? Dah la dia jumpa profile kita dulu....huhuhu...

So now the question is, should I continue gila-gila kat IG, or should I start to behave? Macam tak best pulak nak behave kan...hipokrit la plak. Minggu ni lepas dia follow, belum lagi letak post yang mengarut. Tapi rasanya nga kuat deh! But hold on, yang nak behave sangat pasai apa? Hehehehe.. Jaga saham maaa..... You know what...? I don't think I want to behave.  My saham should be based on my true colours. So kalau sikit, sikitlah, kalau tinggi, tinggilah...

Caiyok! Till next update, wassalam.... :)

At Least Now I Know...

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh...

I had a dinner with Kim tonight, at his house. It started off last week, when I was back from Lagos, I message him to invite for dinner, as I was sick of eating alone. He declined, he already has guest to entertained, but he extended the invite to me. I declined as I was looking forward for a homecooked meal, I was tired of eating other food, I wanted my food from my kitchen.

The thing that surprised me was, he countered offer, maybe we can have dinner at his place, well...I said yes almost instantaneously. Hahaha..So the date was today. He gets his nanny to cook something.

The dinner went well, we talked for a bit and I got to know more of him. And I think my earlier feelings for him was just an infatuation.  The more I get to know him, the more I realized we have different values. Forget the fact that he does not really believed in religion, we are different in even some of the basic values. But he's a nice guy to be friend with. I was glad that I took the offer. I can move on now.

The only problem that I have is, I am still puzzled as to why I am so cold hearted, it's hard for me to fall for someone, and to accept any person for who they are (in pursuing marriage concept). I simply can't.  I have serious trust issues.  I am heavily thinking of deleting my profile in both half our Deen and Muslim matrimony now. I have seen messages from few Nigerian brothers, no doubt I think they are good, but I could find it in my heart even to reply their messages. Something must be wrong with me.

Until I get that fixed, I'll remain status quo. As for Kim, we will be friends, he clearly doesn't have any feelings for me, what he did before was out of concern of a fellow colleague. Its good that I get the chance to confirm my feelings as well, so that I don't get carried away.

Marriage? If the time comes, the time comes, I think for now, I wouldn't sweat over it. I'll give myself until weekend, to delete all my profiles..hahaha.. Kalau ada jodoh tak ke mana kan..what's the point of me setting up profiles, if I knew I'll never trust all those online people.Allah knows best. Kalau ada jodoh tak ke mana, larilah sampai hujung dunia, kalau dah takdir, Allah akan temukan jugak, and by that time I would know without a doubt that we belong together, it's just that the time is not now...

Till next time, Wassalam..

The First Time

The first time she saw him, the thought that crosses her mind was...
"Oh my,  that is so gay... Such a waste!". His ear rings and metrosexual looks gave it away.

He walked in, heading straight to the end of the room, talking to some guy sitting there. He didn't even saw her. She thought he was just a visitor, and that was it.

The first time she talked to him, was when both of them were waiting for the bus, just a casual chat saying good morning. That was when she found out that he was like her too, there to stay for a while.

The first time he asked her to do anything was when the bus is leaving the office, and he wanted to get a picture of the traffic police that is standing right in the middle of the road. He was not happy with the picture that she took though..hehehe..

The first time he made an effort to communicate with her, was during one of the get together session where she cooked something, and he didn't eat it. Many people did not ate what she cooked, but none says anything. He was kind enough to make a small talk with her, maybe trying to say that he will try it next time when she cooks anything else.

The first time he shared anything with her, was when they were out on the shopping trip, somehow the conversation turned personal and she found out he has sensitive skin, and that he's allergic to tree nuts. She took note.

She can't remember when was the first time he sat next to her in the bus, or when was the first time they had breakfast together, and she wished that she took note, as it might not happened again. But she clearly remembered when the first time she felt so relieved having someone to talk to when she was feeling really down. She will always remember that, as he became the shoulder that she cried on, though not literally, but at least something.

For now it's not history yet between him and her. She hoped for something more, but the feeling is not mutual. At least not yet...

Kim episode 3

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, 

So today it's all about you. Just I was remembering you during lunch time, I met  you again coming back from work. You sat beside me :)

We catched up on daily things and I could not stop smiling. Just seeing and talking to you makes me happy. I hope I can do more, but I dont have the courage. I am scared to say all the wrong things to you, scared that you might take it the wrong way. I am scared that it would be awkward between us.

I like the way things are right now though deep inside I want something more. Ya Allah,  give me the strength ya Allah, to pull Kim to Islam.

I still remember your remarks at Rob's house when my phone solat apps rang the azan for maghrib, your comment was, "It's nice to have that kind of reminder". I really appreciate that Kim.

I wish one day I would have the courage to tell you that I want to go to jannah with you. I really do. May Allah grant my wish. Ameen...

Kim - Episode 2

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh...

Kim, you did it again and again. It's hard to find someone like you. You care for my religion, when approaching Ramadan, you care about me not moving into my house. When I was denied to go on a chopper due to my hijab, you care.

Yesterday, I was excusing myself, I wanted to go back to pray maghrib after the fun run, you proposed me to pray in the library, and asked me to stay for dinner. I did that with Rob, and he just let me leave, but you Kim, made an effort to ask me stay. Deep in my heart, I was kind of hoping that you did.. :) alhamdulillah.

Kim, I ask for Allah to give you hidayah, I ask Allah to give me a way to get you to know more about Islam. Ya Allah, please grant your tawfiq and hidayah to Kim. Ameen...

Kim

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh....

Kim, this is the first time I am writing about you. I just want to say thanks. You might not know what you have done, but I really appreciate it. We are not that close, but somehow each time I feel down, there you are comforting me. All the same, its about the house. We are fighting the same battle, just that you are lucky that they are finishing on your house now.

Last night I was so down, and somehow today you decided to sit with me during breakfast, thank you. You always sits with the rest, but today you sit with me. Allah knows that I am frustrated right now with the whole house stuffs and maybe Allah has sent you to just lift up my day. Thanks Kim. Next week, you'll move to your house. I will definitely miss your company. I am pretty sure you won't miss mine. Then again, thanks a lot Kim, for those little talks as we walk to the office, the occasional chat in the bus, thank you very much.

I pray for all the patience that I can get, and hope they can start the work on my house, finish it up, so that I can cook and have you over for lunch or something, so that I can return the gesture. Thank you very much Kim.

Wassalam.