If You Don't Mind Me Asking....

Assalamualaikum w.b.t....

I thought I am the reserved 'I' type. It turns out, that is not always the case. I appreciate long talks and I am quite good in asking question, listening and following up with more questions and in the end the other party will have at least 70-80% of air time, while I gives away almost nothing about myself. 

But this week, I realized something. If asked, I will tell, and if the condition is good, I can match the other person's energy. One engineer that I have been working with for the past few years for example, we never really got to talk, and this week we were in the same workshop. Over lunch we managed to chat, and she is one cheery person, and she asked questions point blank with the intent to know, and my conversation with her, despite being short was like a rapid fire session. She asked, I answered, and I asked in return, she answered. That back and forth feels ok, meaning I was not trying to get away like I mostly did..hahaha..

Another one person was the workshop facilitator. This was my 3rd time meeting him. We hit it off when we first met. Reason being we knew each other by reputation long before we had formal connection and we have a lot of mutual acquaintances. More importantly, we were on the same wavelength most of the time. It was refreshing. I feel like if I have a partner, I would be able to talk trash about my partner with him..hahaha.. Nasib baik tak ada, buat dosa kering ja. 

My uni roommate used to say, I made good friends with guys. Indeed. I might not have close guy friends, but when I hit it off with any guy, I can even go on trips, have meals, watch movies without any strings attached. I treat them like any of my girl friends and I tend to be able not to get my feelings swayed, having second thoughts why were they being like that to me etc.

My only movie buddy moved back to semenanjung and abandoned me.. so it has been a while since I was able to talk and laugh like that. But hold on.. my cubicle mate, I can talk to him for hours too. We hit it off just fine..haha.. another example of what a good friend to a guy I can be..hahaha..

Ok, itu sajalah kali ini, from an introvert that sometime does get out of her shell and say her piece when asked... "If you don't mind me asking...".... :)

Till next time. Wassalam. 

2024... Fuh!

 Assalamualaikum... 

Hi self, 안녕! 잘 지내지? 10 days into the year, back to work almost full swing..almost but my body is still on weekend clock and this week I am attending workshop which starts at 9AM (which means I have to be at work 8AM) and be awake for the whole day, and must be able to focus. 

3rd day of workshop, I still struggle to keep myself awake, what more to focus and contribute to the workshop..

Yesterday I messaged most of my remaining friends that I can find within the company chat app, saying I need the distraction to stay awake. Teruk betui...hahaha..

So.. how have I been? Covid flew by and within the pandemic period I managed to steer clear...but end of last year sees spike in infection here in Malaysia.. and I was part of the statistic as well. Survived the pandemic tapi kecundang jugak time endemic ni...hahaha.. before Xmas I got infected, during Xmas my SV kena, and right into the new year another colleague got hit with Covid...hahaha.. Ok back to me. 

I am still in Miri, doing the same job, but living in different house now. Apart from that life has been pretty much the same.. I should have updated more. I wanted to but I was too lazy..haha..

Ok, some notable things that I can be proud off, I have improved a lot in 한국어.. Started in 2021 and I am at intermediate level now. I can read albeit very slow, understand simple dialogue, and if I were to leave a rom-com drama running in the background, I can understand the conversation, if not the context of the scene. The only thing that I have not improved as much as I hoped is the conversation part. 너무 어려워요.... and noticed that I switched typing more easily these days. I have my laptop and phone configured with 한글 keyboard. 

And like many of the previous new years.... the resolution to loose weight is by default ignited. We'll see how far we get this year, and with few holidays planned, I am prepared to be on yo-yo journey again, but hopefully not so much, and by end of this year, hoping to see the deficit. 

할 수 있어! 그럼 올해 더 열심히 하겠습니다!

Shell

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.... 

Whoever it is that happens to read this. I don't think anybody will read this, but it's ok 😊. This is for me. 내 생각 에 요. 

I've been drawing myself into my own shell more and more these days. I had this first written on 2nd Nov, and today 29th Nov, I still feels the same, maybe a bit more. 

I found myself hating the sound of message coming in notification, seriously annoyed. Its not that I don't welcome message coming in, but I just hate the noise, especially if its a repeated sound at the same time - indicating the sender sending many messages.

I still look forward to meeting people, I still made plans to see friend, but that's it. I have no other interest apart from watching drama, try to loose weight, try new bread recipe (which counter my try to loose weight priority). I no longer interested in the bigger picture, no longer try to right what was wrong, no longer wanting to voice my opinions, I basically stop caring for the bigger world. I think that statement in itself is an alarm to my inner well being. 

Ohh.. this is so negative and I don't see a point of talking about this to anybody. So this is it. 

Till next time. 

Wassalam. 

Deactivated

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t, 

Weeks has passed, and I didn't get to have my birthday meal as planned, managed to make bagels (8pcs) and I still have one bagel in the fridge. Made pulao and chicken tikka masala few days later, it was ok, but I think the chicken dish was a flop, taste wise its ok, but nowhere close to the standard of tikka masala. 😛.

I did bought the whole BR ice cream cake, but only managed to eat it 2 weeks later, because I've been swamped with desserts from friends and barely managed to finish anything on my own. It was distributed to neighbours and the kids as well. 

That's that for birthday. What happened since then? Covid situation actually gotten worse in Kedah. Malaysia received 14 million doses of vaccine in July but somehow I don't see significant progress in the vaccination program in this state. I see friends posting up vaccination pictures and good for them. Major effort in KL and Selangor to ramp up the vaccination rate, while few states like Kedah are left in limbo. I've yet to get my 1st dose appointment here, and that has caused me to be a very negative and a very bitter person. VERY. I've not felt this prolong negative feeling ever. On the day of Arafah, when people are sharing all kinds of prayer, I found myself crafting hate message to post in my IG story about these whole vaccination thing. 

My doa on that day was for Allah to take away all these hate and resentment that I feel. Logically I can accept how things are, the prioritization over other states, the slow progress etc. From a sane mind, I accepted all that, but deep down inside I feel so hurt, sakit hati to the point I can't understand it. 

And I realized that once you think you are in bad position, don't look at the people that is doing better than you, look to those that is having it worse, as you could also be in that position. In another word, appreciate what you have right now, its a blessing in its own way. It could've been worse. 

So in order to stop myself from looking at the people who has it better, I decided to deactivate my IG. Tak payah tengok. Habih cerita.  So its only been a few days, and I can't say that it has helped me tremendously, but I guess it helps a little bit. While the whole vaccination progress is totally out of my hands, I can still choose to pick what I see and what stays on my mind. 

I even thought of deactivating my FB, and would have done it already had it not been for the 3 groups that I am currently following. Haish....

As days goes by, I am thinking of deleting my current IG account altogether. Maybe I log in one last time to copy all the saved recipe and then be done with it. 

I may create a new IG and only follow really important people sahaja. We'll see. I may change my entire plan altogether. Entahlah. 

For now, I am not in a good place. This hate and resentment is still piling up and I am having a hard to time to let it go.

I hope it will subside soon. I really do.

Till next time. Wassalam.      

Woowww.. 4 months!

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t..

My last entry was in Feb-2021, and 4 months later only I feel the need to pen down something here again..haha. Lama jugak tu tak komplen-mengomplen ni..

Nothing much actually, I'm still in SP. Friday has always been slow..and its raining here in SP, so memang la lemau sangat. Last year I was back here in June as well, we managed to have a combined birthday celebration, but not this year. Things has gotten from bad to worse, and we can't even cross state since Jan 2021. And since June is pack load with birthday, I can't help but to go on planning mode. 

Since we can't see each other, I've been sending treats to friend who celebrated birthday this whole month long. Last week was my nephew's birthday, sent some lasagna, tomorrow is Kak's birthday, will be making something for her as well. Am still considering whether or not to buy a cake on top of it. We'll see. 

For my birthday next week, these are my planned menu: 

Breakfast like a king with homemade bagels topped with smoked salmon and cream cheese.

Lunch with Indian cuisine, vegetable pulao, chicken tikka masala, and some raita. 

Dinner like a pauper, milo secawan dengan biskut kering, takpun murukku..hahahaha.. cukup la kot 2 big meals. 

I am thinking of getting myself the ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. Masa kat Miri complain kemain sana takda BR, balik sini, sekali pun tak jejak BR tu. Dasar munafik..hehe. 

With all these planning, I came to a realization.

In the end, only you will be there for you and you alone, all along. Period. 

I guess thats what gave me courage to travel solo back when I was clueless about travelling. I know somehow, someway I will only have me to depend on, to cheer me on, to have any hope on anything else. There will be no one else, my 20s me had a certain hope before, my 30s me somehow realize that its not gonna happen, and my soon to be 40 me know without a doubt, full conviction, that's it will only be just me. 

Friends and family will be there, but I will be in their agenda when needed. At the point I serve no purpose, I'll be on my own, I am on my own. Fact.

That's all for now. Very much looking forward to my birthday menu. Till next time. Wassalam. 

Sakit Gigi

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

I had a bad dental hygiene habit. I don't go for the bi-annual check up. I think partly because  I was traumatised since young. Yeah.. blame it to the world..haha. So yeah, I've only been to dentist when something goes wrong. 

Last week one, ada sebatang gigi geraham ni dah lama berlubang, so I avoided chewing on my left side for quite a while (years..hahaha..). Punya la tak mau p dentist..perangai..hmmm..So last week somehow it hurts, a lot, and I know that it needs to be extracted out. On Saturday of to dentist I went and the Dr did injected local anesthetic, I think 2 doses, but the pain was unbearable, I asked for more, maybe 2 more. You see, I'm a chicken when it comes to sakit gigi. Serius tak tahan weh.. Period pain if I know I have nothing to do, then I'll do my best to endure. Sakit gigi I gave up almost immediately, takda nak lawan2 sakit pretending to be strong or what. No way Jose. 

So the extraction went well, but of course after the anesthesia wears off, Allahuakbar, sakit weh. The clinic did gave some pain killer, so I was like counting the hours to the next dosage, teruk betui. Its a normal paracetamol 500gm, 2 bijik sekali ambik. It was working, but I figured taking 1000mg of paracetamol each 8 hours must have some kinda effect right? And looking at the pain, it doesn't look like it gets better within a day. So I went to get another type of pain killer from the local pharmacy, the girl suggested Safrosyn (Naproxen Sodium 275mg) and only one tablet every 8 hrs.

Boy was I glad to try that new pain killer, the small tablet lasted me slightly more than 8 hours, so I've been dragging the next dosage, consuming only when I think I cannot bear the pain. Last night I was contemplating to go to bed without one. Alhamdulillah I managed to get some sleep. Today I've not been consuming any, just a little bit discomfort to the gum, not much pain anymore, so I think I can stop the pain meds. 

I was thinking the residue pain or discomfort on the gum maybe a side effect of too much anesthetic? Macam people that uses epidural during labour will have tougher time during recuperation, betui ka concept tu? haha..suka hati buat teori sendiri. 

Okla, tu ja nak update, nak cerita ngan orang malaih, so cerita kat sini ja, sambil dengaq lagu k-pop..hahaha.. Till next time. 

Wassalam. 

     

Virtual Industrial Training

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t, 

Few years back when I was still in PD, I was very much involved in taking interns and supporting my alma mater, School of Chem Engine UiTM in supervising Design Project students. When I went to NG, everything stopped because of the distance. After I came back things with the university has been very quiet, and somehow this year, my former lecturer contacted me on this virtual industrial training. 

The thing is with pandemic and all, not many companies are taking interns or student trainee, and even worse when most company are encouraged to work from home, how can the student get any placement at all? My company is currently going for re-org, so there's no way anybody will get any placement at all. But for the students, life has to go on, they need to complete it, in order to graduate. Hence the faculty comes up with the virtual industrial training option. 

I jumped at the opportunity as I feel some kind of void without all these extra curricular activity to keep me occupied, I mean work will never end but there must be something more. Consulted my boss, asked for his permission as I will be using my time on this. Definitely my work will be top priority and what I agreed with him, I will supervise and share my experience based on my own capacity. No specific assignments that will need them to get confidential information from the company. 

I think that part is clear, they are committed to me, not the company, there is no confidentiality agreement signed anyway, so I can't give anything to them that is company specific. Which is still fine, as there a lot of resources online that they can refer to. My job is to provide guidance and share what industry look like and how all these knowledge are being applied in a real operating condition. 

Its week 3 now, the MO is I structured a program and used their current FDP to develop more scopes that is relevant to the industry. Kira macam extended research on their part, because as per the course requirement, its not part of their deliverables. Sounds pretty simple at first, taaapiiiii...... I need to prepare what I want to expose them to, before I can give any assignment, and the challenging part is we only booked 1 hour for me to brief them, so time is limited. Week 1 was fine, sebab intro ja, so it went well. Week 2 was a bit more challenging as I was sharing a concept that they've heard off but only on surfaced level. The whole session was 1.5 hours, kering tekak weh..hahaha.. In terms of preparing the slide and content, it was not bad, because the subject is my forte so materials are abundance. I gave them an assignment that I think its quite hard and I was expecting some of them (all 3 of them) to at least contact me for further consultation, but as of now macam senyap jaaa.. kalau depan mata boleh tanya and check on them. I don't want to be spoonfeeding them, so yeah just have to wait and see. I don't think I would turn into a nag though. Dulu zaman darah muda I did loose my calm, tapi it was a rare occasion.. hahaha. 

Am preparing week 3 material now, which is not my forte but I've had some experience it it, definitely not my comfort zone, so its a challenging task for me. I've been enjoying the journey so far, preparing the materials and engaging the students, also the interaction with my former lecturer. I think I can try going into the academic line, but I just need to buck up, focus, p belajaq balik, ambik Master and PhD, then I'm all good. We'll see how. For now, I think I'm not done working yet, and I still have lots of bills to pay..haha. 

Nak belajaq balik pun cost money and at this age, no way I can get any sponsorship..hahaha. 

Okla, till next time. Wassalam.